Friday Fireside

I thought I was tired during chemo; sheesh! I'm just really struggling with exhaustion and pain right now. Pain has been steadily decreasing on the whole, but the constant nature of it is very trying and requires a lot of energy to deal with. It definately ramps up in the late afternoon/evening, and today I tried to take less medication by addressing it with acupuncture. That treatment left me sleepy and feeling a shift in my response, but did not prevent the increasing pain level as the day wore on despite my forsaken plan to shop after the needling today and a long nap. Now I'm wearing my TENS unit on the area on my left back that seems to be in spasm-a symptom my surgeon identified as a response to the rib pressure from the front side.

So I'm seeking strategies to manage muscle spasm pain, or to avoid muscle spasm in response to future expansions. And I'm eating like a person starved, which I am clearly not, but I live in a virtual candy store right now filled with many of my favorite treats. Home-baked breads and cookies, and even better, soups, veggie dishes, baked chicken-foods that I cannot resist. And I've been surprisingly hungry. I'm trying to be sure to focus on fresh fruit and veggies, lean protein, lots of supplements, and not to go too much for the easy fix of a sweet treat, but the food that I most crave is soup, and the house if full of a variety of this, much of which I've frozen. That's helpful now and will be when I return to work and have just enough energy to do my job and heat a frozen meal. Or maybe I'll do better, bust off of this plateau and start to find my mojo again. Yeah...surely that will happen soon. I'm not even 2 weeks out yet.

written yesterday, 12/10/10 Friday

Painfree in the morning; back with a vengence in the afternoon.

This week the pain has been quite a challenge, and quite unpredictable. I woke with really no pain to speak of this morning, and was able to do some of the de-cluttering that I had planned for today. Felt really good for the most part in the early part of the day for my shower and meals and then visits from my boss and our former housemate Mark who, between the 2 of them, brought us a refrigerator-full of groceries. Hallelujah! There were a couple of items though that I did not have here and wanted to get, so I figured that I would run out briefly and hit the bank and make a couple of quick purchases. Somehow though, driving drove my pain up. Way up. Surprised me. I am going to have to practice that, though, because I have to do some driving tomorrow, and I will have to drive myself to work in 10 days or so. Surely I'll be ready for that by then.

written yesterday, 12/8/10  Wednesday

Goals

1. Return to work on 12/20. That's 3 weeks after the surgery. I should be ready for half-days by then and I think it will make the return easier to start with a couple of weeks of shortened schedule. 
2. Get the coffee-table in the den cleared off tomorrow and in general do some de-cluttering of the  house. The clutter is getting on both of our nerves. I think it will help the healing process to cut down on it.
3. Get out of pain as soon as possible. Patience is a virtue..

this was written yesterday, December 7th, and I forgot to finish or post it...

ch ch ch ch changes....

Wow....amazing pain and the having of it; how was I pain free a couple of days after surgery? My brain must have just checked out in that department for a while. Today I went to see the plastic surgeon ahead of schedule for a follow up because I was having some trouble with my drains and was also concerned about some bruising. Dr. W was not concerned; he had the nurses whip those drains out but not until after he actually gave me my first fill up! I had heard that the "expansions" did not begin until 3 weeks after surgery, but he said that if I could tolerate it, it would be better to get it going before scarring down any further. Well, I'm still taking the big dog pain pills, so I can tolerate it, but I wouldn't want to try without the meds. Thank goodness Anita had driven me to the appointment-I didn't have the drugs with me, but I still don't think I could've driven home safely. Feels like I've got strapping tape cinched tight around my chest. The scar tissue under my left arm from the axillary node biopsy done during my initial surgery is talking to me and the pain in my armpit that I had thought was past has returned. When I am healed up enough to do some serious myofascial release to the area between my neck and my waist, I'll be able to deal with this better, but right now, I am grateful for codine and muscle relaxers.

But part of the problem is actually a good thing-nerves are waking up. The backs of my upper arms had been numb and now have nearly-normal feeling. I have some nerve pain in the breast area including some occasional zingers and some "phantom nipple" sensations that I hope will settle down as time goes on...it is changing daily...but I'm happy not to be totally numb. I'm glad to have the nagging irritation of the drains gone, but the sites are pretty sore so far. Maintaining proper posture takes even more intention and attention than pre-surgery. Gentle self-massage helps, but man, this is intense. Curious what tomorrow will feel like.

Dave is healing well; his home nurse came today and showed me how to dress his wound. He doesn't have much of an appetite; I have waves of ravaging hunger and fortunately plenty of delicious freshly prepared food provided by friends to tame it. He is frustrated that I am taking care of him rather than he me, but ya do what ya gotta do. I am much more relaxed now that he is home. I think we will need to do some inspirational speaking when we are well...I'm inspired anyway, that we have gotten this far through this ordeal and are still doing a lot of laughing about it. Tears are acceptable too, of course. I was prepared to experience pain during this recuperation, I just didn't expect the particular, surprise emotional side of it nor could I have imagined the actual intensity and type of sensation of this pain. I do believe I will be able to manage it and to be drug free again at some point; women who have been through this have told me that it becomes normal, unnoticed, but I have a long way to go before I get there.

I will take some pictures soon...this process should be interesting.

Rough Day

This is one of those posts that may be TMI for some, so don't read on if you can't stand the potty talk.

Hadn't had a movement since Sunday. I'm usually super-regular as I make a point of being that way, and eat a lot of fresh fruit and veggies, fiber and chia seeds, etc. I expected to have a bit of a constipation problem after a surgery, most everybody does, but I thought I was taking steps to avoid a major backup. No such luck. Despite stool softeners for several days before surgery and every day after, and also senna and some Benefiber once I got home, I had not been able to get my tubes to wake up enough to push the waste out, and today experienced the pain of a major backup.

Went to the pharmacy and the druggist recommended magnesium citrate, which I have taken to clean out for procedures in the past. It works well and fast, but I have been feeling kind of sick all day.

Later...
I am much better tonight than I was during the day. Mom took amazing care of me and kept me resting, which is hard to do as I tend to pop up and find tasks to dive into at all times. I started feeling less nauseous around dinnertime, and then finally had to go back to taking pills to address the surgical pain this evening, but I think I can stave off any further bouts of major constipation by remembering to keep hydrated, take senna, use probiotics and take more magnesium citrate if I have another day of no-go. Just a little dab'll do ya. Thank you CVS pharmacist.

I had planned to enjoy this week after surgery just lying in bed watching movies and letting Dave wait on me. Didn't go as planned. Mom waited on me plenty but having Dave incapacitated and away kept this from being the self-indulgent relaxation-fest I had planned on; I spent way too much time worrying. I'm hoping that I can cease and desist in that from here out as he has now reported working bowels, doctors planning release,  and eagerness to come home tomorrow. We will need help, but I think I will be better able to let loose and chill out with both of us here where we belong.  I really hate to let Mom go though...I will miss her terribly. She had offered to come to help me post-surgery before the big exciting prelude was added to the program and I had turned her down assuming that Dave and I would be fine on our own. It was heartbreakingly wonderful that she was willing and able to drop everything at the last minute and come after all despite my initial refusal. I hope there will be no next time to know better in.

Neglected to write about this earlier, but the initial stressor this morning was the result of my much anticipated shower; one is supposed to find a creative way to hang the drain bulbs so that the drains  don't pull out, and to cover the drain entry sites with something like Press N' Seal while showering. I made sure that the shower mat was in the tub to avoid slipping, got the Press N' Seal from the drawer in the kitchen, pinned the bulbs to a robe-tie hung around my neck, turned on the shower so that it was warm but not hot and jumped in, realizing in a second that I had just soaked my drain entry site bandages as I'd forgotten to apply the plastic before showering. Duh...here I am trying like mad to avoid infection and I did a dumb thing like that. So I called the Home Health nurse who came back and fixed me up, and provided supplies I had not previously been given to care for those sites. She checked me out and all seems to be okay. Whew...won't do that again. One must slow down and pay attention to detail. Everything is significant.

Day at Home

I woke up feeling sore from lying in one position all night. Moving around as I fed the pets and got some tea and coffee going helped me feel better, but I noticed that the drain on the right side is pulling out and I was concerned about that and anxious that I hadn't yet heard from the Home Health folks. But I managed to re-suppress the pain and to enjoy a brief head-and-feet massage, and when the home health nurse did finally come, she told me that my drain may indeed come out but that it will be okay and that I'm healing well.

I'm really amazed at how well my pain is managed and how able to use my arms I am; I had read from some other women that using the arms is so difficult for several days after this surgery that it's hard to wipe one's own bottom, but I am not having this trouble at all. Maybe because I'm so used to using my arms, so used to being busy and I continue to be, these factors may be involved with why I'm not having any noticeable limitations of my arms. I have to limit myself intentionally to avoid lifting objects over 5 pounds, but the arms are working just fine. The pain is in my chest. The arms don't hurt at all except where the IV was in my right hand and bumped up against a bone in my wrist.

Lots of friends visited, lots of yummy food was delivered. I will never go hungry again! There will be plenty of appropriate meals for Dave when he is finally back and eating, but I will need to freeze some more of the soups. I hate to waste a drop of anything; it's all so good.

Although there is little pain, there is a lot of odd sensation. Pressure in the chest, vibration-like sensations in the breast area, under the arms, below my scapula. Occasional shooting sensations, difficulty swallowing (not new but increased) and moments of crushing exhaustion. Considering this is my first week post-op, I think I'm doing great. Tomorrow I shower; that will be an adventure. Then Mom and I will go visit Dave. That will be another opportunity for excitement, hopefully of the reassuring kind. You can't write stuff like this; truth is stranger than fiction. Dave's doctor is our neighbor and friend. She says he's on the appropriate timetable for healing. I must believe her and trust that all will be well; believing otherwise would be crazy-making. I plan to stay sane. Goodnight moon.

Amazing Pain and the lack of it

Written yesterday, Wednesday, 12/2/10

Today has been a very strange day. After the surgery and through most of yesterday, my pain was crushing. Monday night I was basically delirious and fighting blood pressure crashes, and trying to manage the highest pain I've ever experienced. But last night things began to even out; maybe it was the presence of my mom, who arrived around 7 pm, and just cheered me right up. Today I fought some unnecessary anxiety as I anticipated the sting of the removal of my IV from my right hand; it didn't hurt at all. I was tired and feeling weak-kneed as we navigated the discharge from the hospital and traveled home, and then somewhat exhausted as we received the blessing of a parade of homemade soups being delivered, but once fed and settled in, after a brief nap on the sofa, I feel somehow energized and nearly pain free. How can this be?

Billy came by and picked up some of Dave's things and brought them to him at the hospital. He is not doing as well as I am, but not too bad either, especially considering the severity of his illness and intensity of his surgery.