"Me" day

I woke today feeling a bit agitated after not sleeping much. Dave had to get up early for his big work day. He teaches Mondays and Saturdays with the weekends being the most popular. And with his poor sleep and frequent coughing, I did not rest well either last night. So I decided that rather than going to yoga this morning, I would work out in the afternoon and run errands in the early part of the day.

Got my tires tended to, my eyebrows shaped up and the dog bathed, some minor repairs to the screen porch and a variety of other things handled that have been waiting attention. It felt good to just kind of follow my whim today. But mid-afternoon as I prepared to leave for the gym to get sweaty, I suddenly had a hit of that occasional total exhaustion that I used to feel on a regular basis during chemo and that still overtakes me now and then. I took a nap. Spent this evening shopping, picking out an IPhone and chatting with friends I ran into along the way. Got 15 minutes in on the elliptical before the gym closed...could've sworn they close at 8 rather than 7.

I think I want to revisit a mainly vegetarian diet again. I did that for a while after initial diagnosis and lost a lot of weight, felt really good. I'm challenged though in meal preparation - I'm just not used to planning vegetarian menus. But if I can get Dave to go along with it, I think he would really benefit from it too.  That is bound to be a tough sell, and I think right now, he needs to eat anything and everything that appeals to him and that he can get down. He's skinny as a rail. How can he enjoy the wonders of Rome with no appetite? He certainly can't go with no energy!

Regarding the trip, I achieved peace with the prospect of cancelling it today. It's interesting how some things that plague us can transition to become no big deal. I suggested to Dave that it might be the right choice, and the response was a basic sigh of relief. I think he still wants to try to do this as scheduled, but I gave him 5 days to have a dramatic turnaround or I don't think I want to go. Save it for fall. I'll try to arrange to have the tickets credited - I know they can't be refunded. But I'd rather do that then have the chance that we will go over and have a rotten time.

So I'm hoping that I'll get some sleep tonight while springing forward. Hope you do too, dear reader, whoever you are.

Frustration and Elation

written Friday 3/11

I have been focused on finding accommodations in Rome for the trip scheduled for a month from now.  I've made a number of minimally satisfying reservations without much input from Dave, as he has been really too sick since I returned from Florida to participate in the planning. And at this point, with him coughing, miserable and not able to eat much, the trip is not sounding very attractive. So I am frustrated. On top of that, the cat is not doing great, and my corporation is far below projected budget this fiscal year which will require me to change some of my other travel plans and wait for my next surgery until after July 1. Maybe we should just go ahead and eat the plane tickets and cancel the trip.

On the elated side, Vanderbilt is revamping its cancer care programs to a wellness model that will provide services during and after treatment, and offer screening and counseling for those at risk. The mind-body model. I will be on the ground floor of the start of the lymphedema clinic - a career opportunity that will let me practice a passion and develop a marketable skill. I will be involved in some advisory committees; I hope I can be creative enough to come up with some good ideas for program offerings. 

Trying to Catch Up

I am feeling darn good, which is good, because I'm back to mi vida loca - running a thousand miles an hour keeping house, keeping pets, keeping in shape and sane. Dave has been fighting a terrible cold since before I returned from my trip, and he is beginning to pull out of it, but it frightened me, making me concerned that it could develop into pneumonia and compromise our ability to take this trip to Italy that I spent the weekend working on. We have our airline tickets, but still don't have reservations for a room in Rome. I did get a room near the airport for the last night, and a provisional reservation in Florence for the couple of nights before that, and have been given a couple of quotes on Rome B&Bs that sound fine, but not quite in the neighborhood where I'd like to be. I'm giving it until tomorrow to see what all of the offers will look like, then I have to make a reservation! The trip is coming up soon, April 12th, and I am amazed how much time it takes to research accommodations, not to mention practice the language and plan the things we want to see and learn about. Just being in another culture will be enough to excite and inspire me. Even the altered American experience of West Palm Beach, with its Floridian natives and east coast transplants, not to mention to wide variety of Hispanics and other imports, helped ease the ennui of sameness that sometimes wears me down at home. Nashville has become a much more international place, but it's still not exactly polycultural. Or multilingual, whatever some of the locals may think, at least in comparison to larger, coastal cities.

Regarding my physical status, I was able yesterday to participate in an hour of yoga that required upper body strength that I haven't been capable of since the mastectomies. Longer downward facing dogs and plank poses than I've even attempted in ages. I still am not able to keep up with the entire program, but I made it through an hour. Then later on did a half hour on the elliptical. I'm trying to control my blood sugar, with more commitment now than earlier, as it looks like I will not be able to participate in the Metformin trial, not unless the FDA gets off of their butts and approves the medication. I would have to start within a year of diagnosis, and that will be April 1st. Haha. I really did think my surgeon was joking when he gave me the news...

Anyway, I have had a little bit of swelling in my left arm, but of course know what to do about it now, and I will be thrilled to swap out these Barbie-boobs for my permanent implants when I get the chance to do that, but will probably wait until July to allow me a chance to travel for pleasure and business - an additional 2 days of training in CDT for the head and neck - and to focus on getting the lymphedema clinic running with my hands on it as much as possible. That will also let it happen in the next fiscal year which will be good for the clinic. I'm eager to get these hand-balls out of my chest, but I'm happy to stay out from under the knife, with minimal pain as I have now, for a while longer.

Certified

I am a Certified Lymphedema Therapist.

I'm excited. I have a feeling that everything is about to change.

the above written Tuesday night. forgot to post. so much to say and no time to say it; will return this weekend.

Excitement and Trepedation

This course is kicking my butt. I have been so tired at the end of the days that I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm practically cross-eyed right now. I studied as best I could tonight, but was very distracted by the news that our clinic has finally been given the full go-ahead to start our lymphedema program. I will be entering a new phase of this new career of mine as soon as I get home.

I have a lot to learn yet in this course, and a ton to learn in general. Including some rudimentary Italian so that I can truly enjoy myself on my Rome vacation.

In the meantime, even while I'm here for the next week, I need to up my exercise and focus my eating. It's the only way to make it through this experience with my mental and physical energy in tact. And I don't need to let anything slow me down right now. I can't seem to shake the constant nerves about my long term health, but I'm not even a year from my diagnosis - I think it's normal to have these fears. Everyday, I find a way to have peace about them and continue to move forward. 

The class is a group of women that I'm enjoying very much. Lots of laughter and sharing of experiences, and a wide variety of numbers of years in the fields. Mostly PTs, another PTA, an OT, a COTA, and an MT. Tomorrow we have another student coming to join us to finish a certification that she had started previously. The experiences I've had at my past continuing ed seminars and especially in PTA school have been so challenging inter-personally; they make this especially welcome.

Right at this particular moment, the bed looks more welcoming than anything. 'Night, all.

Studying in Palm Beach

Oh yeah, if this is work, I'm all for it. Yes, the class is intense. Yes, I'm indoors most of the day, not out playing in the sunshine, and yes, I'm enjoying every minute of it. The anatomy/physiology review and new information, the hands-on techniques, the knowledge that I will be qualified to provide needed treatment for a population of patients who will benefit greatly from the therapy that I'll be able to offer  immediately upon my return - it's all very exciting and gratifying and I'm thrilled to be doing it.

Not to mention that I needed some time out of town, some sunshine, and a break in my routine. I miss Dave and Xena, miss my co-workers, patients and my own bed, but I'm happy to be opening a new door on my future.

Speaking of Dave, I don't think I wrote about my Valentine's day gift from him. It was so cute-he couldn't wait to give it to me and had to spill the beans the week before, like a schoolboy. He found it while he was out pawn-shopping with Billy and swore him to secrecy, but couldn't hold out himself. It's a dulcibanjo, just what I've always wanted. I'll have to post a photo of it. I'm looking forward to playing when I get home; it's the perfect instrument to use to play "Polly Wolly Doodle" ad nauseoum. Thought about bringing it on the road with me, and I'm sorry I didn't but was hesitant to weigh myself down flying for the first time in so long. Now I wish I had it for some distraction. Guess I will have to fill my time with studying and getting some exercise. Darn.

I did work out yesterday. It felt good after sitting on my butt in class for so many hours. I'll have to hit it again tomorrow. But it was nice tonight to go to dinner and spend some time writing here, relaxing. Trying to get back into the groove with writing.

sure is great to have hair again!

Had a scare last week, a week ago tonight actually, when I reached to scratch an itch on my left breast and brushed a hard spot. Found a little ropey knot and a generally ropey, knotty area on the upper left "breast" area, feeling a lot like my old, natural fibro-cystic breasts used to feel in that same area, and area that had sent me running to the ob/gyne many times in the past for breast exams that had always proven negative for any disease other fibrosis and cysts. Found a similar but less pronounced area in the right side. Wrote to my surgeon about it and had a reply saying to come on in right away, and on Tuesday went to see the nurse practitioner in his office rather than wait until Thursday evening, right before leaving for this trip, to see the man himself. The most notable spot on the left was ultrasounded and read as normal tissue. I heaved a sigh of relief and here I am, but it still bothers me a bit.

Since I've stopped being expanded, the tissue in the pec-breast-expanded area  is feeling different, not like a couple of big, hard, plastic Barbie-doll boobs the way they initially did. I think I'll try to see Dr. K and have him poke around on them when I get back just to help me feel a bit better, but I'm choosing to believe the radiologist, who has been following them for just as long, and to be at peace with the verdict that they are normal. The NP told me that there is some breast tissue left after the mastectomy to provide blood supply for the skin, and that this can still exhibit some fibrocystic changes-I've never heard that before, but she should know; I'll do some research later on, after I get back. I guess that particular concern that I had hoped to lose with the choice of the mastectomy is not going to be alleviated. Ah well...it's a reminder to stay in the moment, to breathe deeply and continue to seek peace. All too easy to contemplate scary scenarios; I choose to focus on the beauty of the full moon and the thrill of a new day and new skills, new knowledge. And look forward to the time when I can finally swap out these hard, uncomfortable water bottles in my chest for some soft perma-falsies. 

Long time no write; just busy

I can't believe that it's been about 3 weeks since I've posted here. I've just been so busy preparing for my upcoming course. I am amazed that I will finally be learning to perform "Complete Decongestive Therapy for Lymphedema". I have wanted to do this for so long, it's incredible that it's around the corner, that I'll finally take a flight a week from tomorrow and will be studying about 10 hours a day for 11 days. Yippee! It's no vacation - that will come in April - but it's a change of pace and immersion in a subject that fascinates me and gives me a chance to make an advance to my career. Pretty dang satisfying.

And it's why I haven't written in a while. I've been studying daily. There were a supposed 30 hours of pre-study and a required test to submit; I finished it all last night in a total of about 20 hours. With my job taking up about 40 hours a week and all of the other things I do...preparing meals, shopping, doctor's appointments, work outs...it was hard to squeeze in the study time, but it was interesting and most of it was review material.

My schedule should now settle down a little; I'm done with "expansions" and pain is way down. I feel much better now that I'm not taking those nasty drugs regularly, but tonight pain is a bit up, so I may indulge in something to help me sleep. I've been very tired, partly due to pain interrupting my sleep earlier in the week, partly from my studying and partly as a result of dealing with the weather. Wednesday we had a snowstorm that hit in the afternoon; everyone ran for home creating a gridlock in the city that lasted for hours. The streets weren't bad to travel if you could get to them, but I spent 20 minutes getting out of my parking lot into the lot next door for gas, and then another 40 minutes getting around the block to return to another parking lot and go back to my clinic as I realized the futility of trying to get home.

Some news reports were stating the the streets were slippery so I figured it was going to be an icy night and that traveling home would be impossible. I clocked back in and caught up with a bunch of busy work that I had not had a chance to handle. Found some left overs in the fridge, drank some cocoa and tried not to sulk about it. But at 9 pm one of my coworkers said that she had recently been home and back to the office and that she lives near me and the roads were safe for careful travel. So I packed it in and got home about 10 pm. It was slow, and it was stressful, and I sure was glad that I did it rather than join several of my coworkers in sleeping at the office. Luxury accommodations by Vanderbilt standards, especially compared to what was available to the hospital workers who were stuck, they had makeshift dormitories to stay in, but home is always best. It did mean another stressful drive Thursday morning, but by 2 pm, most of the snow was gone. Today was a piece of cake. I'm tired again today, but hoping that I'll catch up on some rest this weekend, when the weather is supposed to be a balmy 40-something degrees.

Dave and I finally purchased our tickets to take the vacation that we have dreamed of for years and we'll be going to Rome in April. Life is good. Anyone got any ideas about good places to stay or eat?