Buh bye; hello

I can barely believe that there is only a matter of a few hours of 2010 left. I'm happy to say so long to a year that was so unexpectedly challenging, but grateful to be here in shape to bid it farewell. Glad to have my partner still with me; I really thought I was going to lose him for a little while there. I was too weak to allow myself to contemplate it at all. I made myself assume the best outcome, but truthfully, I was working hard at maintaining neutrality, feeling beset as I was, it was hard to stay present and not anticipate the outcome, or wallow in worry. Heck, that's been true all year, starting with the disintegrated drain pipe and ceiling tearout a year ago tonight, the ovarian cancer scare in January, the breast cancer diagnosis a couple of months later basically immediately upon my return to work from the first surgery, and then the non-stop treatment ending with the wow finish of his and hers hospitalizations. All of it has required meditation on being here now.

Just to amplify that, I had a fill-up yesterday, on Thursday, and discussed the recent high pain level with Dr. W, who is still unconcerned and stated that I show no signs of an infection, just healing muscle around the expander. I tend to feel better immediately after an expansion, but by the evening the increased tightness is pretty challenging. I overheard an awful story in the waiting room there though-a few women were discussing plastic-surgeries-gone-wrong, and one was describing how she went through expansion reconstruction only to find after she swapped her expanders for the permanent implants that rather than growing her pec outward, she had caved her ribcage inward. Yipes. Now she's looking into a flap. Her experience is not mine, but it is hard not to think "what if".  Hard to continue to "be here now".

Look Ma, cleavage!

I feel that I'm really done with "treatment" now; I'm just going through reconstruction. It's still challenging, but I feel well, just drained by dealing with pain. The better days, the ones where the pain is lower, are soooo much easier than the tougher ones. But I feel the end of this part of the journey approaching sooner than I expected. Still need to discuss the next steps with the PS, like how long do I wait to swap expanders for permanent implants after I reach the size I want to be, and how long after that before I get nipples. I've got 300 ccs of fluid in my expanders now and I look to myself like I'm about a B cup size; I'm aiming at a C, which should be here sooner than I had expected. But for now, at least I have a bustline again!

I'm happy to be here at home tonight resting in front of the fire despite the warmth of the evening. I can't call it a quiet night; there is too much noise outside with neighbors setting off fireworks causing the dog to whine. We watched the New York Philharmonic, after I sorted the black eyed peas for tomorrow's meal. Some say dried BEPs do not need to be soaked; I soak with some whey ala Nourishing Traditions. They seem to me to come out better, creamier and less gassy that way. I'll cook them with uncured organic smoked turkey wings as I just can't bring myself to use the hog jowl that is traditional around here. Every year BC (before cancer), I used to put a slice in my shopping cart, then put it back, then pick it up again, and again return it. Never brought myself to purchase it, although I did originally use a smoked shank. Now I just can't face pork at all anymore. And I don't have to worry about anyone else's traditions this year anyway; our previously annual New Years Day World Cultural Celebration is not happening this year, and I'm not sure I'm going to want to revive it to its former volume in the future anyway. It's always so much fun, but so much work that I'm absolutely exhausted at the end of the day, and it really requires a week to prepare for. With a "real" job, I'm not sure I want to take the necessary time off to make it happen. We'll see. That's the future. I'm sure glad it's not tomorrow.

So, I really need to make a list of resolutions. But tonight, I'm sure I can't handle committing to major lifestyle changes or achievements with deadlines. I know I plan to kick sugar...again...and to resume a regular exercise schedule. I want to write my book, and to join a band. I plan to try to do something to help other women going through breast cancer and folks and their caregivers going through cancer in general. But I think I'm going to resolve to formalize my resolutions next week rather than tonight. For now, I have accepted the use of pharmaceuticals to manage my pain, and I'm not feeling clear enough to organize my resolutionary thoughts. And I'm quite enjoying this lack of clarity. I wish everyone a healthy, happy 2011. I look forward to so much to whatever happens in the new year and the opportunity to comment on it.

Surprise Wake Up Call

I was prepared to enjoy one last day of sleeping late; I've been snoozing in until 10 am. Sadly, my body did not decide to cooperate, and I woke with very high pain in my left "breast" and numbness in my right hand. It not only hurt, it scared me. I think I probably just overdid my activities yesterday-I carried 3 loads of firewood upstairs and did some very gentle modified yoga, as well as some increased stretching. Didn't feel like anything at the time, but that's the challenge with getting back to a normal activity level. Today the left sided pain has been up around 8 or so and the right hand stayed numb until after dinner.

I had already made an appointment with Luby, my chiropractor/acupuncturist, who I like to try to see regularly just to stay "tuned up", so I felt very fortunate that it was planned for today already. Luby seemed to think that I just overdid it, which was comforting, and even immediately after the treatment I felt a bit better, and by now, a few hours later, I'm much better. Of course I finally gave in and used the Ox and half of a Valium, but even before those kicked in I was aware of feeling better. What had been a sharp, stabbing pain and sort-of searing feeling with motion on the left, as though my expander were aggravating the heck out of the pec minor. Now it feels like there is a small marble underneath the expander; certain motions, such as elevating my chest and pulling my shoulder blades down my back elicits the pain, but it is now down to about 4-5/10 and tolerable. It's still the left side bugging me, but the focal point of the pain has moved.

It was such a sharp pain when I woke that I really thought I'd damaged myself. Even thought for a bit about whether I was going to have to go to the ER. If it's similarly high tomorrow morning, I'll contact the surgeon, but I think it's probably going to feel a lot better when I can get some manual therapy. Something about that referred pain between the pec and the rhomboids seems likely to be involved here; if it were a rib out of alignment I think Luby would've sussed it out, but that sense of something being lodged underneath the expander is odd, and pain is relieved by grabbing the mound and gently pulling it toward center.  Reducing inflammation by laying off the last of the holiday sweets might help...but there are only a few chocolates left...

So today  I was extremely careful about exercise, making sure to do some, but to avoid lifting anything heavier than my purse, which is not saying much, but I didn't want to just stop moving around at all. Frankly the amount of laying around by the fire the last few days of enjoying our White Christmas has probably not done me any favors in the pain department, despite being spiritually valuable. So I'm glad I went to the Y today and did a gentle elliptical workout, and did the isometrics for my arms that are part of my rehab routine, but I did not do the shoulder stretches. I'm trying to decide if any are in order today; I think it is probably as well to skip this session.

Staycation

We've been basically snowed in today. The friends who had planned to drop by were unable to get out of their driveways safely, and although I surely could have gotten out in my little 4-wheel drive CRV, we chose to stay in on our own and continue our movie marathon. Snow fell lightly all day, small flakes flashing like glitter in the evening, the fire warming and entertaining, and I even cooked dinner, actually making a scratch recipe for the first time in a month or so. It felt good to do it, and it tasted divine. I've over-snacked on sweets, but I've eaten pretty well aside from that, and I think I'm ready to resume a routine, get healthy and greet the new year with some resolutions I will keep.

Pain is interesing; it will always get one's attention. And the larger pain will distract from the smaller. There is a spot on my left side where the drain exited that hurts most sharply of all the various pains associated with this surgery. There's tightness across the entire chest, almost as though I'm wearing a bra that I can't take off - ironic as it was the prospect of no longer needing a bra that was one of the prime motivators for my having this surgery in the first place. A little myofascial release performed on myself helps, but the pain is still quite profound, and somewhat unpredictable. I'm surrendering to the Ox on evenings when I'm home and don't have to go anywhere when the pain level gets up over a 5 or 6 with just the non-opiates. The last couple of nights have been in that category.

My hair is curling too; I need to consult a hairdresser about products that will help control this amount of curl in the short-short cut. The dressings I have that are designed to control ringlets are not appropriate, and the gels and pomades I do have don't seem so be giving it body and preventing frizz at the same time. It's a problem I'm happy to work at solving. I'm happy to have hair, period. It looks pretty cute too in this short-short length and the dark-dark roots of the silver ends. Wonder what it'll do next? Gotta post a new picture soon.

I'm glad I went back to work last week and I'm glad I'll be working this week, but I'm equally glad to have another day off before I go.

White Christmas

Written yesterday evening, December 25th, 2010

What a lovely morning it was; the perfect white Christmas. Every bit of the landscape covered in glistening cottony white dressing but all the roads dark and wet, easily passable. We spent the day tidying the house without haste, snacking a bit, preparing a trip to a local Chinese restaurant to enjoy my Christmeas tradition. Our friends, Grace and Billy, let us know that they were skipping Christmas celebrating this year and so we told them that the little gifts we had for them were thank yous for their help in our recent emergency, and joked that we are celebrating "Christmakwanzikah". It's true about the gifts anyway. I don't care for enforced gifting, and I have not done much of it this year. But when I have time and the ability to discern a proper choice of gift, I do enjoy it.  And thank you gifts are always easier to come up with than annual ones, for me.

I treated gift shopping this season as Occupational Therapy. I went out into the stores a couple of weeks ago, when I was just back to being able to get out and about, and I mainly focused on getting some things for my co-workers, who have been so supportive all the long year bringing me meals and making sure I was able to handle the load at work. And shopping was hard, despite having time without constraints of conflicting schedules to spend at it, I found it difficult to determine what would be a nice gift for each individual, how much I could afford to spend, etc. Judgement is impared when one is in-between opiates. I think I did okay though, and now driving, working and just getting my daily activities done is much easier.

Had my 3rd "expansion" on Thursday and Dr. W told me that I am now off of any activity restrictions. If I have the energy, if I have the strength to do it without pain stopping me, I am allowed to do it.

Time heals everything

Right after the surgery, I thought I had probably made the biggest mistake of my life, and that I was going to pay for it forever. I woke from anesthesia in extreme pain, like nothing I had ever experienced or imagined. My first ever night in the hospital as a patient, and my first ever experience of morphine, and although I felt amazingly well-cared for by my lovely nurses, I still took a scary blood pressure dip that first night and had quite a crew of staff gathered around my bed expressing concern. I was not worried about that - my BP is typically low, and I figured it would bounce back shortly - but the pain was frightening. Then it dropped rapidly and I felt pretty good while I had Mom here taking care of me, but after the first expansion, I thought I was going to truly regret the choice I made for completing my treatment.

Not now; I've still got pain, but it's reducing steadily. My range of motion and strength are increasing rapidly. Energy is bouncing back, and although I'd love to continue to focus on doing some around-the-house things rather than returning to work on Monday, I certainly feel up to it, and I think the purposefulness of going to my job will help elevate my still-fluctuating mood. Thursdays will be expansion days; that should be challenging, and I will give in to meds without resistance on those days.

I'm down to hardly any medication. What worked well yesterday, which I think I will try again tonight, was to take Salicin B in the morning, evening and before bed, along with a Valium before bed. I think I'm tolerating that better than the Oxycodone. And I think in it's muscle relaxant capacity it is targeting my sleeping trouble better than the narcotics. It's starting to feel good to sleep on my side again, but I still can't turn in bed well. Going from one side to another, or from back to side, is a huge effort and requires a lot of bed-shaking turning, which of course is hard on Dave. I would have worried about that if he had been well during my convalescence, but with him more compromised than I, facing a longer healing, it's difficult for me to relax and allow myself to rumble as much as necessary.

I was much less blue today, though still somewhat weepy. It's easy to be emotionally raw this time of year with sentimentality dripping from all media and every image one is exposed to. I focused on getting my haircut which felt good, and my eyebrows shaped, lip waxed, feet pedicured. I shopped and then came home and just have been hanging in front of the fire. Now it's time to hit the sack. See you tomorrow.

Deep Blues

Somehow today I fell into a dark blue hole. I just seemed unable to stop crying this morning. I'm feeling isolated and frustrated; there was a time when we would have had an invitation every night for the entire month and would have to figure out how much we could participate in-this year we have none, and it's not just because of our health status. These are hard times and we are no longer in a super-social field of work. 

Later on, ironically, I was undone by the prospect of our close friends dropping by on boxing day; just the thought of having 4 people visit at once completely freaked me out as I don't seem to be able to  handle even tidying up around here, much less cleaning and coming up with some refreshments. I had a meltdown on the phone with Sam; she reassuring me that the only thing wanted from me is my company and my efforts to heal, me boohooing while knowing with one side of my brain that the other is just off kilter due to cabin fever and medication.

Feeling lonely, I didn't know who to call to talk to; so many folks are going through hard times right now. I feel like a fool to go off on a poor-me run. I've been given so much sweet attention from my friends over the course of this cancer battle, and especially since the his-and-hers surgeries, i know feeling left out is just one of those holiday-time distortions. So I decided that what I need is action; I am too out of focus to shop or make any particular decisions, but I am now able again to push a vacuum, so I did at least get the pet hair up. Then I took my first bath in 3 weeks. The scar lines are still a little scabbed up so I covered them with Press N' Seal and avoided soaking them, but soaking my lower half sure felt good. Boy, do I need a pedicure! I will get a hair cut and eyebrow wax tomorrow. I at least had the energy to make an appointment. Maybe I'll be able to get a spontaneous pedicure along with it.

I decided that part of my problem had to be a lack of exercise, so I went to the Y and participated in my first Zumba class tonight. I wasn't able to do the whole class, and had to be very careful to keep my arm motions controlled to avoid overdoing, but it felt really good to work up a sweat and to stretch out afterward. I think that in the long run exercising is likely to help with both mood and pain. I have to find a way to work some classes into my schedule. Can't do yoga for a while, but careful Zumba, Tai Chi, striding on the elliptical machine-those are things that should be okay for me.

Came home and walked the dog briefly; she is begging to go out again for the 6th time tonight, suffering from cabin fever herself, dying of boredom from watching us lay around the house. After her walk, I made brown rice with mushrooms, onions, olives and roasted red beans inspired by some brown rice that Hilary brought last week, and ate too much of it. I feel much better now.

written last night, Friday December 17th, 2010

Good Day

Dave really gave me a scare last night with the abdominal pain at bedtime. Today he says it was probably having eaten too much at one time. His appetite is coming back but is unreliable and he occasionally is famished. He is trying to space out his meals and keep the volume low at each one. That's a good idea for anyone, but he's always been a one-big-meal-a-day kind of guy with small snacks in between; he will have to have more snacks and avoid that big meal at least for now. I understand that suddenly famished feeling while healing; I've had plenty of that myself. But I am now over 2 weeks past surgery, and hopefully can normalize my eating pretty soon, as I continue to want to nip the post treatment weight gain in the bud.

We are currently in the middle of a deep freeze, with highs around freezing and lows well below. I would have liked to go in to my clinic today as there was a holiday pot-luck for members and patients, Roland White's Bluegrass band performing and an opportunity for me to sit in, but of course Dave's followup appointment was scheduled for about the same time and there was no way he was in shape to go from clinic to clinic; it was enough to just get to his appointment. But his doctors were satisfied with his progress and removed his staples, exchanging them for steri-strips, and pronounced his wound healing to be right on schedule. I still feel that we need to come up with a nutritional strategy for the future, but for the time being, he just needs to eat his AMCAP diet-as many calories as possible. Lots of smoothies, peanut butter, juice, and anything that appeals to him basically.

I am feeling fairly well. I'm able to sleep on my right side for a while at night, which is huge for me, taking a lot of pressure off of my back. And I'm down to far less medication, thinking I may try to sleep without the narcotics tonight as my Salicin B, the herbal anti-inflammitant, has arrived. It worked well for me after my bout of shingles last year. Of course that pain was not as serious as what I'm experiencing now, so it remains to be seen how the stuff will do.  In the meantime, I've got what I need to sleep well and warmly; I still feel like a lucky girl even if outrageous fortune keeps on slinging those arrows.

Saturday I will get my first haircut since the chemo began. It will be a trim; I still don't have a whole heck of a lot of hair, but what I have is kind of messy. I like the look of the boy-cut, and am comfortable keeping that style, but it's shaggy around the ears and on the back of my neck. To some degree, I hate to lose even a fraction of an inch of it; my head is no longer cold all of the time, but still not warm, and  I'd love to be able to feel okay about my grooming without losing any of the precious growth, but it will grow on, I know it will. Some say that cutting hair increases its growth rate so I'm going to hope for that-I sure as heck hope that's true. I'm so grateful to have eyebrows again that I've been hesitant to have them shaped and trimmed, but I'm due for that too. It will have to wait a bit because I'm not sure who should do it, but the young woman who cuts Dave's hair does a great job for him, and I'm sure will do well for me.