Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Written Wednesday January 4th

I realized shortly after my mother's stroke that I would be in danger if I allowed myself to continue as high-anxiety over the various property dealings and stresses surrounding her care as I initially allowed myself to be, and I thought that I had gotten it under control. But ever since I returned from California, I've been plagued with health blips, one on the heels of the other. First, tonsillitis that came home with me from L.A. and wouldn't leave, then the flu, and now this recurrent bout of pelvic pain. Despite my Zen aspirations, I remain very frightened every time I have any kind of persistent new symptom. My fear of anything indicating a possible recurrence or metastasis drives my anxiety despite my attempts to tell myself to be in the present, focusing on what is right and well and functioning normally, and expect to heal normally. To see these recent health dips as just part of the rhythm of life. Gotta stop freaking out and live the way I envision myself living, the way the me-in-my-mind lives.

I never used to like medication, but I'm glad to have some tonight. It's probably either a bladder infection or a kidney stone. Either way, it's a lot better with meds.

Happy Freaking New Year

I am so glad to welcome 2012. Ready for a great year, and always trying to become more calm, more Zen, more able to appreciate the wonderful things in my life that often get overlooked while trying to just keep up with everyday details.

I started having some really intense bladder pain on Friday evening; not the usual burning on urination that usually accompanies a bladder infection but spasms and pressure and actual pain. I think it was an exacerbation of interstitial cystitis, which hasn't bothered me in ages, but after eating lots of chocolate and drinking far too little water and more coffee than usual over the holidays, I assume I aggravated my bladder. Spent the day Saturday preparing for our party and drinking tons of Evian and a homeopathic remedy and the strategy seemed to work for me, but I didn't do the midnight champagne thing. I felt enough better by yesterday to enjoy a little wine at my party but am ready to back off the celebratory eating and drinking and get back to my usual constraints anyway. Up early and off to work again tomorrow.

Seems like there is so much illness all around me...every time I take any time to peruse Facebook, which is rare, I find that some friend of mine has had a major health event or has passed away. This time of year it seems that the reports increase. It's hard to keep my spirits up over the holidays, and I'm trying not to fall into an expectation of bad news when the season rolls around. This time, I'm feeling really grateful that although my father has been recently diagnosed with Lymphoma, his pathology indicates a form of the disease that people generally manage well and that doesn't require treatment. That's my attempt to make lemonade here, and to try to focus on the positive. I know Dad is scared, and of course I know first hand how hard it is to reconcile that news that Cancer of any form is now part of one's health history. It's a shock, and an emotional experience that requires several stages of assimilation, like grief. I hope that he is able to achieve some peace about the diagnosis and not to focus on the fear-factor. So many of us are surviving with cancer and living quality lives.  I just hate for him that he had to join the survival team of our family; guess he couldn't stand to be left out!

I took lunch to my mother in the nursing home today. She seemed to enjoy the meal and the visit. I had a lot of sadness this weekend, missing being able to call her to chat, even though those conversations  were often frustrating. During those calls, at least we were able to converse with ease, which is no longer possible, and phone calls these days are almost pointless for me; as I am nearby and able, it's much better to visit in person. These days, both on the phone and in person, she doesn't say much, but she says that she is happy. Lord knows that makes me happy. Happy New Year, everyone.

End of year blues

written on Friday, 12/30/11

It was a beautiful morning, and wonderful to sleep in at least a little and have a day off of work, at least at the office...there was plenty of work to do around here preparing for New Year's Day and our almost-annual open house. And trying to tie up some loose ends with my mother's needs, working on her Medicare elections for next year and finding myself preoccupied thinking about her health status after a call from the doctor at the facility yesterday telling me that her kidneys are declining. I myself am due for a colonoscopy but will have to reschedule the appointment coming up in January so that I can miss no more than one work day as I need to save my sick days to deal with Mom's doctor appointments. It all ganged up on me while navigating the traffic during shopping and I really started feeling anxious and blue. The pressure of needing to get things done by a certain time, of dealing with bureaucracies and worrying whether anyone will show up for our party.