Jammin'

Yesterday, my mid-week day-off from the clinic, was a very emotional day. I'm still struggling with a few issues aside from just trying to be in the moment, survive, the basics...I have continued to try to find the answer to this persistant hip pain, swallowing dysfunction and voice changes that I have been going through. And to step on the anxiety that arises as I wonder what the source of these issues may be, and what it could mean, and remind myself that I have had a myriad of work-ups showing no reason to assume any dire diagnosis surrounding them, so it makes most sense to simply move forward with life and practice the action that I preach to myself and others constantly-enjoy this moment, this one beautiful moment.

Tuesday one of my colleagues performed an adjustment on my hips and noted that they are out of alignment; between her care and the use of a light therapy wand, I felt MUCH better thereafter that day and night but the experience reminded me-I HAVE A CHIROPRACTER! I realized that I had not been to see him in over a year and was happy to be able to get a last minute appointment on Wednesday.

(finishing up on Friday) I walked into the chiropractors office and felt a sense of being in the right place, the kind of touchy-feel-y happy goodness like returning to summer camp and being in a place of love that I used to want to just say "Shut Up!" when people would talk like that around me. I was laughing and crying at the same time as my doc assessed the misalignment of my pelvis and tested me for the need to supplement my emotional health with Bach Flowers and I began to feel as though I was bursting though a layer of sediment that has been lying over me the last year, maybe longer, as I have dealt with my mother's illness then death, pushing my own health to the back burner, trying to maintain career momentum and not lose my artist's soul in the middle of it all... shoot listen to me...I have been feeling MUCH better since that visit and my hip, though not pain free, is feeling more like it's old self.

Later, I went to singing class. The experience of being a singing student, feeling myself a professional among dedicated amateurs, has been humbling and also revealing of my own ego as I don't truly know anything about the backgrounds of my classmates. All have nice voices but I make assumptions based on my impressions...anyway, they are a sweet and lovely group and have been very kind to me, and their kindness was tested as I struggled to graciously accept the vocal coaching that is part of the course, and in that room of love, had a tearful melt down as I finally reconnected with my voice and hit the lick I'd been looking for. One thing to be directed when recording a song as a voice for hire, another to be directed while try to let loose my inner jazz "artiste". From having been the original vocalist of The Time Jumpers to a former chick singer with an out of shape voice struggling to make the song "swing", it's been a hard road toward renewing my connection with the songs. I had a breakthrough; suddenly felt the sense of inspiration, my voice spiraling almost without my guidance, and the cushion of the band behind me as if I could fall back on it like a rock star crowd surfing. That sensation carried me through my days with Sam Moore, singing duets on "When Something is Wrong with My Baby" on so many nights including in the Lionel Hampton Jazz Club at Le Meridian in Paris in 2002 for New Years Eve, the whole band jumping up and down with inability to control our excitement and enthusiasm and me counting down the last seconds in French, Merci Boucoup! Dave just newly up from major surgery, not yet struck by lung cancer... that person is me too, not just the cancer survivor/therapist at Vanderbilt. Oh Yes! that is me too and I felt it again for a second. Despite the sense of awkwardness I initially felt at paying to sing rather than being paid, that's part of this transition, to study and be coached and to be humble and yes, I'm there for it, I have had an adjustment and am realigning myself with me and yes I am going to keep going there!

Happy Birthday Mommy; Wish you Were Here

Yesterday was an auspicious day: the inauguration, Martin Luther King day, and the 75th anniversary of the birth of CL, my mother, who passed away last spring. I could not help but think throughout the day how she would have loved sharing a special day with the pres and Dr. King. I had to work and so saw very little of the Washington festivities, but caught our good looking president and his lovely wife in the parade walking along waving to the crowd and thought that despite so many ills and sorrows in the world at this time, it is a lovely thing to have a first family that I throughly like. Don't always agree with the politics, but I like them, they are nice and smart and strike me as sincere. My mother, while I did not always share her interests or her point of view, was also nice and smart and sincere and gave me many of the qualities that I like most about myself, and although I feel an odd closeness with her now, I wish like heck that I could talk to her, call her to tell her of my successes to hear her delight and praise, visit and get a warm hug. Those days were gone before she died so that longing is older than the grief, but all of it comes to the surface on such a day as yesterday. Happy Birthday, Mommy; wish you were here.

Anxiety

Woke at 4:30 or so in lots of pain; left shoulder, neck, head especially around the left eye and above. I thought I was having a stroke-that is an indication of my anxiety level. It's probably sinus irritation from being cooped up in this house with the cold weather and not having had a massage in over a month, my spoiled body protesting. Also, have gone back to drinking Chinese tea on days off of work and probably was low on caffeine yesterday so up at 5 for coffee and hopefully not waking my husband who has really been challenged by my new schedule of usual 6 am wake ups.

I'm off on Wednesdays now, a workday change that I anticipated gleefully and which is not making me as happy as I thought it would. With my full time 32-hour job, 2 on 1 off, 2 on, 2 off, is sort of like having 2 Mondays in the work week, rather than just an easier week, and it is clinically difficult for the schedulers to book patients for me when many of them should be coming 3 x per week. So I may rethink that one, but haven't had the heart to broach the subject with my husband just yet-he is a night creature who has already adapted to rising early, but needs more sleep than I do, and it's asking a lot to include that 5th day of 6 am get-ups, although with my forgetfulness about resetting the alarm, it may not make a difference!

Another challenge with Wednesday off is keeping the commitment to daily exercise. I have a stationary bike at home now, so that should not be an issue, but there is something soothing about a routine like driving to the clinic, going to the gym there for an hour, then crossing the street to my office and working all day. The workout wakes me and makes me feel that I'm following doctors orders for longevity and avoidance of recurrence, and that in itself is soothing, an anxiety reducer. And of course with the bike at home, this concern should not require me to alter my work schedule, but somehow, I don't know-I may have to do it for peace, for routine, to get back to that feeling I had a few months ago when I was working out 4 - 5 mornings a week regularly and having a sense of return to my old well self. The constant evolution of a life demands constant adaptation, something I feel I should be good at by now, but with which I still struggle.

I lost my keys yesterday; came home Tuesday night with ice storm threatening and a state of emergency declared and dropped my purse and coat on the chair in the living room as usual; I remember having my keys in my hand as I went to some other part of the house but thought that I had gone back and put them in my purse, but they are nowhere to be found and after both of us searching as I tried to leave early for my jazz singing class last night, I eventually borrowed D's and came home later, breaking down in tears, feeling like a failure, my world falling apart. My spouse, with his usual laser-like ability to come to the point, asked what happened to the Zen person I strive to be with my activities. In an attempt to find her, I got up this morning and meditated. Not sure if it was that or the coffee that has backed the headache from a 9 to a 2, but either way, today will be a better day and I recommit to joy.

Resolutions

written 1/13/13

I finally figured out how to do this on the ipad...I think. It's an app...duh. I have been a slow learner with the ipad, feeling overwhelmed with technology. It get's depressing sometimes trying to stay on top of "upgrades" in modern life. I no longer make resolutions, but do make plans and set goals for the new year, among them to write this blog at least once a week, and already am unsuccessful in keeping this goal, but perhaps can succeed with once monthly? A friend gave me a good review on this blog and encouraged me to return to my writing, which helped spur this note, and as I have all kinds of book-writing urges lately, I guess I better practice some composition.