Jammin'

Yesterday, my mid-week day-off from the clinic, was a very emotional day. I'm still struggling with a few issues aside from just trying to be in the moment, survive, the basics...I have continued to try to find the answer to this persistant hip pain, swallowing dysfunction and voice changes that I have been going through. And to step on the anxiety that arises as I wonder what the source of these issues may be, and what it could mean, and remind myself that I have had a myriad of work-ups showing no reason to assume any dire diagnosis surrounding them, so it makes most sense to simply move forward with life and practice the action that I preach to myself and others constantly-enjoy this moment, this one beautiful moment.

Tuesday one of my colleagues performed an adjustment on my hips and noted that they are out of alignment; between her care and the use of a light therapy wand, I felt MUCH better thereafter that day and night but the experience reminded me-I HAVE A CHIROPRACTER! I realized that I had not been to see him in over a year and was happy to be able to get a last minute appointment on Wednesday.

(finishing up on Friday) I walked into the chiropractors office and felt a sense of being in the right place, the kind of touchy-feel-y happy goodness like returning to summer camp and being in a place of love that I used to want to just say "Shut Up!" when people would talk like that around me. I was laughing and crying at the same time as my doc assessed the misalignment of my pelvis and tested me for the need to supplement my emotional health with Bach Flowers and I began to feel as though I was bursting though a layer of sediment that has been lying over me the last year, maybe longer, as I have dealt with my mother's illness then death, pushing my own health to the back burner, trying to maintain career momentum and not lose my artist's soul in the middle of it all... shoot listen to me...I have been feeling MUCH better since that visit and my hip, though not pain free, is feeling more like it's old self.

Later, I went to singing class. The experience of being a singing student, feeling myself a professional among dedicated amateurs, has been humbling and also revealing of my own ego as I don't truly know anything about the backgrounds of my classmates. All have nice voices but I make assumptions based on my impressions...anyway, they are a sweet and lovely group and have been very kind to me, and their kindness was tested as I struggled to graciously accept the vocal coaching that is part of the course, and in that room of love, had a tearful melt down as I finally reconnected with my voice and hit the lick I'd been looking for. One thing to be directed when recording a song as a voice for hire, another to be directed while try to let loose my inner jazz "artiste". From having been the original vocalist of The Time Jumpers to a former chick singer with an out of shape voice struggling to make the song "swing", it's been a hard road toward renewing my connection with the songs. I had a breakthrough; suddenly felt the sense of inspiration, my voice spiraling almost without my guidance, and the cushion of the band behind me as if I could fall back on it like a rock star crowd surfing. That sensation carried me through my days with Sam Moore, singing duets on "When Something is Wrong with My Baby" on so many nights including in the Lionel Hampton Jazz Club at Le Meridian in Paris in 2002 for New Years Eve, the whole band jumping up and down with inability to control our excitement and enthusiasm and me counting down the last seconds in French, Merci Boucoup! Dave just newly up from major surgery, not yet struck by lung cancer... that person is me too, not just the cancer survivor/therapist at Vanderbilt. Oh Yes! that is me too and I felt it again for a second. Despite the sense of awkwardness I initially felt at paying to sing rather than being paid, that's part of this transition, to study and be coached and to be humble and yes, I'm there for it, I have had an adjustment and am realigning myself with me and yes I am going to keep going there!