Anxiety

Woke at 4:30 or so in lots of pain; left shoulder, neck, head especially around the left eye and above. I thought I was having a stroke-that is an indication of my anxiety level. It's probably sinus irritation from being cooped up in this house with the cold weather and not having had a massage in over a month, my spoiled body protesting. Also, have gone back to drinking Chinese tea on days off of work and probably was low on caffeine yesterday so up at 5 for coffee and hopefully not waking my husband who has really been challenged by my new schedule of usual 6 am wake ups.

I'm off on Wednesdays now, a workday change that I anticipated gleefully and which is not making me as happy as I thought it would. With my full time 32-hour job, 2 on 1 off, 2 on, 2 off, is sort of like having 2 Mondays in the work week, rather than just an easier week, and it is clinically difficult for the schedulers to book patients for me when many of them should be coming 3 x per week. So I may rethink that one, but haven't had the heart to broach the subject with my husband just yet-he is a night creature who has already adapted to rising early, but needs more sleep than I do, and it's asking a lot to include that 5th day of 6 am get-ups, although with my forgetfulness about resetting the alarm, it may not make a difference!

Another challenge with Wednesday off is keeping the commitment to daily exercise. I have a stationary bike at home now, so that should not be an issue, but there is something soothing about a routine like driving to the clinic, going to the gym there for an hour, then crossing the street to my office and working all day. The workout wakes me and makes me feel that I'm following doctors orders for longevity and avoidance of recurrence, and that in itself is soothing, an anxiety reducer. And of course with the bike at home, this concern should not require me to alter my work schedule, but somehow, I don't know-I may have to do it for peace, for routine, to get back to that feeling I had a few months ago when I was working out 4 - 5 mornings a week regularly and having a sense of return to my old well self. The constant evolution of a life demands constant adaptation, something I feel I should be good at by now, but with which I still struggle.

I lost my keys yesterday; came home Tuesday night with ice storm threatening and a state of emergency declared and dropped my purse and coat on the chair in the living room as usual; I remember having my keys in my hand as I went to some other part of the house but thought that I had gone back and put them in my purse, but they are nowhere to be found and after both of us searching as I tried to leave early for my jazz singing class last night, I eventually borrowed D's and came home later, breaking down in tears, feeling like a failure, my world falling apart. My spouse, with his usual laser-like ability to come to the point, asked what happened to the Zen person I strive to be with my activities. In an attempt to find her, I got up this morning and meditated. Not sure if it was that or the coffee that has backed the headache from a 9 to a 2, but either way, today will be a better day and I recommit to joy.