written late at night 4/28/12-I couldn't get it to publish, I don't know why, and it's been gone when I've looked for it her over the past couple of months, but here it is again...funny....
The past few months have been a whirlwind. Moving Mom here from California in October, trying to get her hooked up into the Vanderbilt medical system as I know it is the best and she has had such fragmented care in CA. I thought I had time, I thought the surgery to revise her ventriculo-peritoneal shunt on Thursday was the right thing to do and although I know that ALL surgery holds the risk of death, she seemed so vital, so tenacious, that I never even pondered that she would die of this experience. She seemed appropriately groggy after the surgery, a little less oriented the next day but I really never even thought that this could be her end. Ah Mommy....you always kept me on my toes. You gave me gifts that I love about myself and you allowed me to see shining examples of what and who I do and do not wish to be. I am in shock. I miss my mother, but I have been missing her for months now...missing the phone calls that used to be sure to irritate me. Missing the over-identification with my life and the over-enthusiasm for my activities that freaked me out. Her insatiable desire to surround herself with the things she loved even as she become more and more isolated from people. I have given a large portion of myself to trying to champion her needs and on attempting to intervene in situations that so frequently left her in need of assistance, unable to help herself out of a tight spot. Heck, I'm sure that's something that can happen to anyone but it started happening to me when I was a little kid and there was no other adult in the house so I felt it my duty to try to grow up fast. I've never been able to shake it. And now, I will have to reinvent myself as a girl who does not have an ill mother who is also a force of nature, a creative dervish and a magnetic spirit. I'm on my own now as far as that goes. Lucky to still have my other mother to comfort me, my father to counsel and console me. My sister to share my grief, my dear husband to shepherd me and commiserate. My friends to gather round me. I'm a sad and lucky girl in mourning for Charmaine. 1/21/38-4/28/12.
The past few months have been a whirlwind. Moving Mom here from California in October, trying to get her hooked up into the Vanderbilt medical system as I know it is the best and she has had such fragmented care in CA. I thought I had time, I thought the surgery to revise her ventriculo-peritoneal shunt on Thursday was the right thing to do and although I know that ALL surgery holds the risk of death, she seemed so vital, so tenacious, that I never even pondered that she would die of this experience. She seemed appropriately groggy after the surgery, a little less oriented the next day but I really never even thought that this could be her end. Ah Mommy....you always kept me on my toes. You gave me gifts that I love about myself and you allowed me to see shining examples of what and who I do and do not wish to be. I am in shock. I miss my mother, but I have been missing her for months now...missing the phone calls that used to be sure to irritate me. Missing the over-identification with my life and the over-enthusiasm for my activities that freaked me out. Her insatiable desire to surround herself with the things she loved even as she become more and more isolated from people. I have given a large portion of myself to trying to champion her needs and on attempting to intervene in situations that so frequently left her in need of assistance, unable to help herself out of a tight spot. Heck, I'm sure that's something that can happen to anyone but it started happening to me when I was a little kid and there was no other adult in the house so I felt it my duty to try to grow up fast. I've never been able to shake it. And now, I will have to reinvent myself as a girl who does not have an ill mother who is also a force of nature, a creative dervish and a magnetic spirit. I'm on my own now as far as that goes. Lucky to still have my other mother to comfort me, my father to counsel and console me. My sister to share my grief, my dear husband to shepherd me and commiserate. My friends to gather round me. I'm a sad and lucky girl in mourning for Charmaine. 1/21/38-4/28/12.
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