Day 2 for me, 3 for Dave

I made it through the surgery and into this afternoon. I've never experienced such pain in my life, but in a weird way, I feel pretty good. It's odd but so far not freaky to look down and see my flat chest; I haven't had a flat chest since I was 8 years old; I was an early bloomer. I'm more freaked out at looking at this big IV in my right hand. And thinking about how low my blood pressure has been. At the moment, I have just taken some pain medication and now I'm about to fall out.

The low blood pressure is concerning. It goes up but then comes back down again. I'm off of the morphine hoping that it was the culprit in the plummeting pressure, but it's still unreliable.

Friends have dropped by all day; Anita brought a beautiful basket of fruit and cookies and sat with me for hours; Jennifer stopped by on the way to a session, Grace and Billy came with homeopathics and great friendship and support. Mom is on her way from California. I took a couple of walks down the hall to see Dave. I'm exhausted. I'm scared but not terrified. I want this to be smooth, I don't want any infections or complications of any kind, and so far, I'm not sure what's up. Friends are watching the house and the pets, and I expect to be home tomorrow.

His and Hers surgical proceedures

Dave didn't feel well last night and after being awake for hours, he began to vomit at 5 or so. Ended up in the ER and diagnosed with a small bowel obstruction. So he had surgery today; my bilateral mastectomies are scheduled for tomorrow at 7:30 am. Wow, this is going to be fun! Two convalescents at the same time!

So as much as I want to write tonight, I'm just whupped. I got nothin to say. Well, a little: I'm grateful that Dave is okay tonight, resting at Vanderbilt, I assume peacefully as I haven't heard from his nurse. I came home a couple of hours ago and took a bath and some last pictures of my current, original, born-with-em breasts, (don't expect me to post any of those!) and tried to tie up a few loose ends. The laundry I intended to do today, the errands, the last few dishes in the sink, cleaning out the fridge, bringing up firewood-none of that got done - oh well. The day was spent in the ER instead. The cosmic joke, Murphy's law; it always pays to be open to change.

Time to do a brief meditation and then to try to get a bit of sleep. Just a few hours. I'll sleep after the surgery. Thank you family, friends and neighbors for all your help and support through this.

Things I'm Thankful For Today and Everyday, in no particular order...

1. Life-grateful just to be here to ponder the blessings
2. Family-the older I get, the more aware I am of how much my family means to me; I don't do nearly enough to show them how I feel about them, and I never get to spend enough time with them. I hope to change that in the next few years. 
3. My husband-it's his birthday today,  a perfect reason for thanks-giving. Nearly 30 years together; we are lucky to have each other. 
4. My health-I know it sounds odd for a recently chemo'd person to be claiming to be healthy, but I have never felt that I was sick, just that I had a reaction to the treatment I was going through. I feel very healthy, and I intend to stay that way, despite interruptions in my mobility like the surgery I will undergo next week. 
5. My job and coworkers-I have a great job and I think the clinic I work in is very special; we are a wholistic provider in a major medical center. It's exciting to be on the cutting edge of the new medical paradigm of promoting wellness rather than just treating disease. Also, my employers offer me wonderful health insurance and support as I am taking time off to attend to my own health needs.
6. My friends-I am always aware of the value of one's own personal community, and mine is amazing. I've had so much support from friends near and far at all times, and never more than this past year. I can feel the good wishes coming at me from all over the planet. Sounds woo woo, but it's true true. 
7. My home-I love my house, and I'm excited that I'm going to get a new rug for my bedroom. Got plenty of firewood so I can be sure to be ready for a long week of lying in front of the fire snoozing after my surgery next week. 
8. My pets-they are a mess, but they give me a kick. I adore those furry freaks. 
9. My eyes-my vision has been becoming more challenged; got an eye exam a couple of days ago and am glad to know that it's just being another year older. Being unable to read while my eyes were dilated reminded me of what a gift it is to be able to do so, and how dependent I am on my eyesight. 
10. My favorite things-Wine, chocolate, organic turkeys and veggies and fall colors and hot baths and movies and music and books and vases of flowers and pictures and email and letters and so many things that I can't go on. It could last forever, and I've got to get dressed to go out to dinner. Happy Thanksgiving all. 
    

Racing toward the future

I had a great birthday weekend. Hard to believe that the next weekend is nearly upon us. And now it's the eve of Dave's birthday, and the eve of Thanksgiving too. We were feeling spontaneous tonight when I got home from work and went back to Table 3, the new restaurant we tried on Friday night for my birthday (and for Grace's) and loved. It's mid-priced, but still too expensive for us to make a habit of running off there. I loved the ambiance, and the mussels in a delicate tarragon white wine broth. Trouble with mussels in delicious broth is the amount of bread I eat with them. I'll worry about that later.

Getting closer to S-day. Gotta arrive at the hospital at 5:30 in the morning for my 7:30 surgery-the first one of the day, happily. I like getting my doctor when he is as fresh as possible. I'll spend some time on Sunday packing a suitcase with some cozy socks and slippers, silky pj bottoms, warm flannel shirts and the special camisole that provides some compression and has removable pouches to hold the drains that I'll have to deal with for the first week or so afterward.

I also plan to take a few pictures of my current bust line over the next few days. I had wanted to try to find a professional to take some shots, but really didn't have time to even pick up the phone to call around. It's probably better this way; the angles are limited when photographing with the computer, but I don't have to worry about the discomfort of baring my breasts to someone else.

Our Thanksgiving plans are to have dinner at a local steakhouse; when I made the reservation 3 weeks ago, they stated that they did not expect to be busy. Now they have called and told me that the reservation has been moved to 6:15 from 6 pm and that we should expect to wait. Turns out that they will be swamped, and 10 percent of all Americans are expected to eat Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant this year. And here I thought we were doing something kind of unique. It's getting so hard to be creative! Dave is looking forward to a low key day tomorrow though, so this is perfect. Two dinners out in a row...how decadent. But we will be eating home for quite a while, I think, after Monday, so this is a nice treat in advance of that.

I've been feeling pretty good, and have had a lot of energy the last 2 nights, but had some crushing exhaustion last week and early this one. Feels like the recuperation from chemo is not a straight line on an incline, but a roller coaster, like so much of life. I have so much energy in general that in comparison, I now realize just how suppressed my vitality was while on chemo; I couldn't really feel how much I was dragging back then.  But I'm still not back to full strength. And I'm still doing some chemo-brained type things. Like last night, I completely spaced out a massage appointment with my very dear friend and best client. Just plain forgot to go. He was quite understanding, but everyone is disappointed when they are expecting a massage and don't get it. Hopefully, I'll get to catch up with him this weekend, considering I'll be out of commission for a while after that.

So as I was saying, I'm feeling pretty good. Hair is coming back, I have eyelashes and eyebrows. Minimal pain, mostly my tongue when I have any, and occasional boo boos seem to heal quickly. Anxiety is creeping in as I anticipate next week's adventures, but I'm still sleeping fairly well. My thumb is not bothering me nearly as much as it once was, which is good as there will be no surgery on it at this time. Can't think of any other symptoms to report offhand right now. A new friend came over yesterday to do some energy work with me to prepare for the surgery; it helps to calm me. I am a soul at peace.

Birthday Weekend

written on Friday 11/19


Wow, on days like today I realize why facebook is wonderful. I received so many birthday wishes from folks I've known in every phase of my life, and there are many. It makes me feel appreciated, validated, and brings home how many communities I've belonged to over my lifetime. Numerous incarnations of Adie Grey's life and so many other lives interacted with. It's lovely and a major stroke to realize that I have friends, however distant. I feel a Sally Fields moment coming on...she was on the student council of my junior high school ten years before I was....I understand the importance of the sense of being liked, after the years of growing up feeling like an outsider, which I suppose is typical for a creative, art-fart, bookwormish type kid. The feeling of being liked is a warm blanket...

Today:
It was a very nice birthday weekend. Dinner at a new bistro in Green Hills on Friday night with Billy and Grace to celebrate birthdays, both hers and mine. Loved the restaurant, love the friends and always enjoy their company. Woke early Saturday feeling funky and was really concerned that I would be too puny to enjoy my party that evening, but perked up in the afternoon and had a great party last night. Nice fairly lazy day today; am falling out now and will have to catch up on my writing later.

Birthday Eve

Tomorrow I will roll over another year. I am inwardly cheering, and at the same time, trying not to have a pity party. Today was rough, but not bad, and included a wonderful massage in front of the fire after work. But the morning traffic was beyond belief, and the few patients I saw today were struggling with various issues, and overall, the mood has been low.

Novembers in general have been difficult for the last several years, despite being the month of both of our birthdays. It was in November of '02 that Dave had the abdominal surgery that kept him in the hospital for a month, almost missing a trip to Paris where both of us were to perform with Sam Moore  just off of the Champs d'Elysees . We spent Veteran's Day, our birthdays and then Thanksgiving in that hospital room, wondering if he would ever make it out-he did and we spent a magical time in Paris. Several years later, November was the month that Dave received his lung cancer diagnosis. Then when I turned 50, 2 days later November was the month that my sister chose to quit fighting the chronic pain she had struggled with for many years. Last year, a patient fell during my treatment of him on my birthday and hit his head, fortunately without receiving an injury, just shaking me up on my new job. I heaved a sigh of relief when we welcomed December 1, 2009, without having had a major mishap that November. 

This year I have reason to celebrate. I haven't had a birthday party in many years, but this year I felt it was important to have one, and a friend who has been going above and beyond helping me throughout this whole ordeal of cancer treatment was kind enough to offer to host it. She has been handling all details of the party, scheduled for Saturday; today, Thursday, she is sick. (Self pity rears its ugly head.) I don't want her to stress about my party, I want her to put her entire energy into getting well. And I don't want to cancel the party. I don't feel up to doing it at my own home right now, while Dave is in school and I am trying parcel out my energy carefully as I prepare for surgery, but I will do it here rather than cancel. I feel that I need it right now. I had to cancel my annual New Year's Day party this past January first due to a plumbing disaster, and I have this irrational sense that if I cancel this party, I'll never throw another. Like I said, irrational. Self pitying. I don't like myself when I'm like this.

I also don't like myself when I am jealous. Jealous today that a friend had her breast cancer surgery and no malignancy was found in her lymph nodes. Petty of me to even think anything other than hooray for her.  I am so happy for her, just frustrated for me. And still, grateful every day to just be here to be jealous and frustrated and fatalistic and unprepared to hostess the party I desperately want. So glad to be here to be nervous about my upcoming surgery and the recuperation period that will follow. So overwhelmingly glad to be here to celebrate another birthday with or without a silly party, knowing that I have so many who love me, who I love, and so glad to have another evening to sit by the fire and enjoy living in my imperfect body. 

Ups and Downs

I'm really falling behind on my blogging, but it's because I've just been so danged busy LIVING! Having the energy to stay busy is wonderful. Two weeks from tomorrow, that energy will be seriously challenged once again, and I can't say that I'm looking forward to it, but I am happily anticipating being past the experience. If anyone out there reading this has any good advice, based on their own experience, for me on how to take the best care of myself that first week or so past surgery, I'd love to hear it.

I had a great weekend though, jam packed as they generally are. Went to an employee contra dance party for my clinic yesterday; as usual, I felt awkward to begin with. Dave had to work and wanted to study when he got home and I didn't have another friend to take along for a date, nor did any of my PT co-workers show up. So as usual, my shy side snuck up on me, and I'm grateful that my boss is incredibly gracious and came over to include me in some conversation. I also ended up chatting with the dance caller and her husband who were up from Alabama; the dancing was great fun, experience from my old square-dancing days helped me stay pretty well on course. Most of the crowd was new to contra and square dancing. I want to do more of it. Great exercise and good fun.

Even better was the party later on celebrating my friend Kathy C's 30 years in the local music biz; she has an amazing band and I have had the honor over the years of providing some backing vocals on some of her shows. I was a last minute addition to last night's appearance, and it gave me a chance to give my voice a nice workout. Use it or lose it. I'm working on getting it back as it has become pretty rusty with all my time spent on my new career day job and very little singing. The caliber of musicianship in Kathy's crew is so astounding, I'm humbled to be invited to join in.  And her fans include some of Nashville's finest singers and musicians, so the on-stage cast kept on rearranging and being added to as the night went on. Wish I could've stayed for the whole thing.

Got some sad news in the course of the evening though; another friend gone due to cancer. F*ck cancer. Went to a memorial for him today which was lovely, but sad, frustrating. I had to leave to go for a happy plan though, more singing at my friend Hilary's home, to be taped for a yoga video. Our friend Cliff was there with his guitar, Ron with his djembe. We jammed on some standards and my voice warmed up very well indeed. Then several girlfriends showed up for a light dinner and wine, a celebration intended to bid my boobs goodbye. The first of the birthday-week parties. See what I mean? I've been busy. It ain't going to let up until I'm post surgery and in the bed. Let the good times roll!

Sunday Night by the Fire

This was an odd weekend. Crammed a lot into it, including a very interesting new massage client (hope I'll see him again), but had to deal with a lot of crap too. I'm unwinding tonight by the fire; wish I could sleep on the sofa and stay home tomorrow. Ah well...duty calls.

Went to the memorial tonight for our friend who passed away a couple of weeks ago. Most of the gang, of which he was a part, who used to spend Thanksgiving together were there.  It was great to see everyone despite my having dreaded it all day long. I thought there would be more people there who would not recognize me, but I didn't have to deal with much of that. And the bar was not smoky, contrary to my expectations. I was delighted to have gotten out and overcome my apprehensions.

The oncologist told me that my best bet to avoid recurrence is to start getting 3 hours a week of cardio activity; I spent some time this weekend shopping Craigslist for an exercycle or elliptical or something that will work in the small, full den where we hang out. I think I'm going to have to order something off Amazon to get a size that will work here. Today however I took the dog for a half-hour walk, worked up a sweat and got my heart rate to aerobic range. Then I helped unload and stack 2 ricks of firewood and ran up and down stairs with lots of loads of clothes as I changed out my closet. I got my exercise.

Symptoms are minimal lately; I am feeling pretty good. Had some raised pain levels of the burning mouth on Friday and found that lead to some lisping as I couldn't control my tongue fully-that was kinda creepy, but it did not continue. Got a good yoga stretch on Saturday so am sore today, but in general, really feeling good. Yay. Life is good.

It's a date!

Well, I hope it's an auspicious day for surgery, because Monday November 29th is the date set for my bilateral mastectomy at Vanderbilt. I'm torn, because I could do it the following day with Dr. W who is associated with another hospital in the area, but I think I'm going to want to go ahead and do it at Vandy. Either way, it's that same time right after Thanksgiving, which this year is also Dave's birthday. I will work the Wednesday before the holiday and then be off for the rest of the year. In some ways I'm excited about it and I'm trying to focus on that excitement to stave off the dread.

I will have both the breast and plastic surgeons working together on me; I don't know how long the surgery lasts, but I know it's a lot longer than any I've had so far, and I will finally spend my first night in a hospital as a patient-all the previous surgical experiences have been on an out-patient basis. I've slept on a mattress on the hospital floor beside Dave's bed years ago when he was in for so long after his abdominal surgery, a few years before his cancer diagnosis and I hoped at the time that it would be the only time in my life I would spend an  overnight in a hospital, but it's not going to work out that way.

can you see the dark "mohawk" look down the center?

I'll have another surgery while I'm there to remove a tumor in my thumb. I met with the hand surgeon yesterday and he said that the left thumb anomaly is probably not a neuroma, but a giant cell tumor and is most likely benign. He said he feels so confident about it's non-malignancy that he would feel comfortable just leaving it alone, but that if I want to have it removed he would do it while I'm in the hospital, if not during my breast surgery as it only requires local anesthesia. And I do want to have it out-it has been fluctuating between hurting, tingling and doing nothing, occasionally interfereing with my work, and I imagine that left alone now it may impede me in future. It makes sense to me to attend to it while I'm going to be out of work anyway. And I don't really feel like leaving any tumors in my body right now, even if they are benign! Of course I'm not going to ask for a hysterectomy now just because I have 3 stable fibroids, but if the ovary scare I went through in January should have happened now, after the breast boogie, I would have gone ahead and had the complete hysterectomy that I opted out of at the time. Ah 20/20 hindsight...

So Thanksgiving is my last hurrah for a while. I wish I could beam myself to California for the holiday to be with my family; my aunt makes an amazing meal and I am in the mood to whoop it up with my gang before I begin sleeping it off for a few weeks. With Dave's birthday coinciding, I want it to be a special day for him, but I can't really plan to make a big meal and invite friends; I don't have the energy. And so far, we haven't had any other plans pop up.  I may have to do turkey-for-two, or maybe find a restaurant this year. I'll bet Wild Oats has a prepared meal that we could bring home...that might be the ticket. I'll have to look into it.

Never have enough time to read, to write, to run around with friends and to walk around the track, but life is good. Gonna enjoy some time by the fire catching up on reading, writing and playing instruments during my down days in December.

Symptom Log 11/1/10

• Energy-back
• Digestion-good
• Mouth pain-mild
• Neuropathy-mild
• Sleeping-good
• Nose bleeds-dwindling; still there but much less irritating
• Strength-improving but not back to par
• Sweats-happening less frequently and less severely, but still happening
• Anxiety-low

Going Strong

Somehow Sunday was rough for me this week. I felt bad about the way I look, the fact that I am quite weak right now and concerned about how that bodes for my recovery from surgery, my eating and planing for meals which is confusing right at the moment, the way the weekends just fly by...I felt badly about a lot of things and I got kinda cranky with Dave, but I didn't feel tired. That worn out/washed out feeling that stuck around for about 2 weeks after chemo seems to have finally worn off. I feel fairly well back to normal power. Oh...well, I must admit that I did crash out on the sofa at about 9:30 last night and according to Dave had to be practically peeled off of it to get to bed, but up until that point, I was quite clear and functional.

Tomorrow morning I meet with the hand surgeon to talk about the small tumor that has been identified in my left thumb. Most likely a neuroma, most likely benign; I'll know more about it tomorrow. I have no plans to address it surgically, but I guess I'll know more after I meet the doctor. Right now, on a bad day, it tingles in general and is painful when pressed. Most of the time, I don't even notice it.

I've started walking around the clinic without a hat on lately; my hair is soft to the touch and feels like real hair now, not like a 5 o'clock shadow when I stroke my head. It is nearly thick enough to completely hide my scalp now, and showing more dark strands and curl. A funny combination of too short and needs-a-cut, Dave says it looks kinda like a dyed mohawk as there is a V-shaped patch of darker hair right in the middle of my crown. I like it, I love it, I want some more of it...but heaven knows I'm so grateful to have hair on my head. I'll try to get a picture of it soon, but as I have only the built in computer camera to take my picture as Dave doesn't do photo, it's difficult to get the lighting right to see the subtle coloration.

I spaced out on Friday morning when I was scheduled for a fasting blood sugar and cholesterol test; I went ahead and ate breakfast before the labs were drawn. Somehow, despite the thought as I went to bed on Thursday that I would need to remember to skip breakfast on Friday, I just got up and packed my lunch and ate my morning meal as I always do, realizing my goof-up late Friday night. Sheesh...guess I'll have to do the test again. I'm blaming it on chemo-brain; I may be over the fatigue, but I'm still a bit ditzier than usual.

Still not getting enough exercise, but am working on it. Got in the pool today for over an hour with patients today. It was great, very soothing, and a stroke in the right direction.