Birthday Eve

Tomorrow I will roll over another year. I am inwardly cheering, and at the same time, trying not to have a pity party. Today was rough, but not bad, and included a wonderful massage in front of the fire after work. But the morning traffic was beyond belief, and the few patients I saw today were struggling with various issues, and overall, the mood has been low.

Novembers in general have been difficult for the last several years, despite being the month of both of our birthdays. It was in November of '02 that Dave had the abdominal surgery that kept him in the hospital for a month, almost missing a trip to Paris where both of us were to perform with Sam Moore  just off of the Champs d'Elysees . We spent Veteran's Day, our birthdays and then Thanksgiving in that hospital room, wondering if he would ever make it out-he did and we spent a magical time in Paris. Several years later, November was the month that Dave received his lung cancer diagnosis. Then when I turned 50, 2 days later November was the month that my sister chose to quit fighting the chronic pain she had struggled with for many years. Last year, a patient fell during my treatment of him on my birthday and hit his head, fortunately without receiving an injury, just shaking me up on my new job. I heaved a sigh of relief when we welcomed December 1, 2009, without having had a major mishap that November. 

This year I have reason to celebrate. I haven't had a birthday party in many years, but this year I felt it was important to have one, and a friend who has been going above and beyond helping me throughout this whole ordeal of cancer treatment was kind enough to offer to host it. She has been handling all details of the party, scheduled for Saturday; today, Thursday, she is sick. (Self pity rears its ugly head.) I don't want her to stress about my party, I want her to put her entire energy into getting well. And I don't want to cancel the party. I don't feel up to doing it at my own home right now, while Dave is in school and I am trying parcel out my energy carefully as I prepare for surgery, but I will do it here rather than cancel. I feel that I need it right now. I had to cancel my annual New Year's Day party this past January first due to a plumbing disaster, and I have this irrational sense that if I cancel this party, I'll never throw another. Like I said, irrational. Self pitying. I don't like myself when I'm like this.

I also don't like myself when I am jealous. Jealous today that a friend had her breast cancer surgery and no malignancy was found in her lymph nodes. Petty of me to even think anything other than hooray for her.  I am so happy for her, just frustrated for me. And still, grateful every day to just be here to be jealous and frustrated and fatalistic and unprepared to hostess the party I desperately want. So glad to be here to be nervous about my upcoming surgery and the recuperation period that will follow. So overwhelmingly glad to be here to celebrate another birthday with or without a silly party, knowing that I have so many who love me, who I love, and so glad to have another evening to sit by the fire and enjoy living in my imperfect body.