Buh bye; hello

I can barely believe that there is only a matter of a few hours of 2010 left. I'm happy to say so long to a year that was so unexpectedly challenging, but grateful to be here in shape to bid it farewell. Glad to have my partner still with me; I really thought I was going to lose him for a little while there. I was too weak to allow myself to contemplate it at all. I made myself assume the best outcome, but truthfully, I was working hard at maintaining neutrality, feeling beset as I was, it was hard to stay present and not anticipate the outcome, or wallow in worry. Heck, that's been true all year, starting with the disintegrated drain pipe and ceiling tearout a year ago tonight, the ovarian cancer scare in January, the breast cancer diagnosis a couple of months later basically immediately upon my return to work from the first surgery, and then the non-stop treatment ending with the wow finish of his and hers hospitalizations. All of it has required meditation on being here now.

Just to amplify that, I had a fill-up yesterday, on Thursday, and discussed the recent high pain level with Dr. W, who is still unconcerned and stated that I show no signs of an infection, just healing muscle around the expander. I tend to feel better immediately after an expansion, but by the evening the increased tightness is pretty challenging. I overheard an awful story in the waiting room there though-a few women were discussing plastic-surgeries-gone-wrong, and one was describing how she went through expansion reconstruction only to find after she swapped her expanders for the permanent implants that rather than growing her pec outward, she had caved her ribcage inward. Yipes. Now she's looking into a flap. Her experience is not mine, but it is hard not to think "what if".  Hard to continue to "be here now".

Look Ma, cleavage!

I feel that I'm really done with "treatment" now; I'm just going through reconstruction. It's still challenging, but I feel well, just drained by dealing with pain. The better days, the ones where the pain is lower, are soooo much easier than the tougher ones. But I feel the end of this part of the journey approaching sooner than I expected. Still need to discuss the next steps with the PS, like how long do I wait to swap expanders for permanent implants after I reach the size I want to be, and how long after that before I get nipples. I've got 300 ccs of fluid in my expanders now and I look to myself like I'm about a B cup size; I'm aiming at a C, which should be here sooner than I had expected. But for now, at least I have a bustline again!

I'm happy to be here at home tonight resting in front of the fire despite the warmth of the evening. I can't call it a quiet night; there is too much noise outside with neighbors setting off fireworks causing the dog to whine. We watched the New York Philharmonic, after I sorted the black eyed peas for tomorrow's meal. Some say dried BEPs do not need to be soaked; I soak with some whey ala Nourishing Traditions. They seem to me to come out better, creamier and less gassy that way. I'll cook them with uncured organic smoked turkey wings as I just can't bring myself to use the hog jowl that is traditional around here. Every year BC (before cancer), I used to put a slice in my shopping cart, then put it back, then pick it up again, and again return it. Never brought myself to purchase it, although I did originally use a smoked shank. Now I just can't face pork at all anymore. And I don't have to worry about anyone else's traditions this year anyway; our previously annual New Years Day World Cultural Celebration is not happening this year, and I'm not sure I'm going to want to revive it to its former volume in the future anyway. It's always so much fun, but so much work that I'm absolutely exhausted at the end of the day, and it really requires a week to prepare for. With a "real" job, I'm not sure I want to take the necessary time off to make it happen. We'll see. That's the future. I'm sure glad it's not tomorrow.

So, I really need to make a list of resolutions. But tonight, I'm sure I can't handle committing to major lifestyle changes or achievements with deadlines. I know I plan to kick sugar...again...and to resume a regular exercise schedule. I want to write my book, and to join a band. I plan to try to do something to help other women going through breast cancer and folks and their caregivers going through cancer in general. But I think I'm going to resolve to formalize my resolutions next week rather than tonight. For now, I have accepted the use of pharmaceuticals to manage my pain, and I'm not feeling clear enough to organize my resolutionary thoughts. And I'm quite enjoying this lack of clarity. I wish everyone a healthy, happy 2011. I look forward to so much to whatever happens in the new year and the opportunity to comment on it.

Surprise Wake Up Call

I was prepared to enjoy one last day of sleeping late; I've been snoozing in until 10 am. Sadly, my body did not decide to cooperate, and I woke with very high pain in my left "breast" and numbness in my right hand. It not only hurt, it scared me. I think I probably just overdid my activities yesterday-I carried 3 loads of firewood upstairs and did some very gentle modified yoga, as well as some increased stretching. Didn't feel like anything at the time, but that's the challenge with getting back to a normal activity level. Today the left sided pain has been up around 8 or so and the right hand stayed numb until after dinner.

I had already made an appointment with Luby, my chiropractor/acupuncturist, who I like to try to see regularly just to stay "tuned up", so I felt very fortunate that it was planned for today already. Luby seemed to think that I just overdid it, which was comforting, and even immediately after the treatment I felt a bit better, and by now, a few hours later, I'm much better. Of course I finally gave in and used the Ox and half of a Valium, but even before those kicked in I was aware of feeling better. What had been a sharp, stabbing pain and sort-of searing feeling with motion on the left, as though my expander were aggravating the heck out of the pec minor. Now it feels like there is a small marble underneath the expander; certain motions, such as elevating my chest and pulling my shoulder blades down my back elicits the pain, but it is now down to about 4-5/10 and tolerable. It's still the left side bugging me, but the focal point of the pain has moved.

It was such a sharp pain when I woke that I really thought I'd damaged myself. Even thought for a bit about whether I was going to have to go to the ER. If it's similarly high tomorrow morning, I'll contact the surgeon, but I think it's probably going to feel a lot better when I can get some manual therapy. Something about that referred pain between the pec and the rhomboids seems likely to be involved here; if it were a rib out of alignment I think Luby would've sussed it out, but that sense of something being lodged underneath the expander is odd, and pain is relieved by grabbing the mound and gently pulling it toward center.  Reducing inflammation by laying off the last of the holiday sweets might help...but there are only a few chocolates left...

So today  I was extremely careful about exercise, making sure to do some, but to avoid lifting anything heavier than my purse, which is not saying much, but I didn't want to just stop moving around at all. Frankly the amount of laying around by the fire the last few days of enjoying our White Christmas has probably not done me any favors in the pain department, despite being spiritually valuable. So I'm glad I went to the Y today and did a gentle elliptical workout, and did the isometrics for my arms that are part of my rehab routine, but I did not do the shoulder stretches. I'm trying to decide if any are in order today; I think it is probably as well to skip this session.

Staycation

We've been basically snowed in today. The friends who had planned to drop by were unable to get out of their driveways safely, and although I surely could have gotten out in my little 4-wheel drive CRV, we chose to stay in on our own and continue our movie marathon. Snow fell lightly all day, small flakes flashing like glitter in the evening, the fire warming and entertaining, and I even cooked dinner, actually making a scratch recipe for the first time in a month or so. It felt good to do it, and it tasted divine. I've over-snacked on sweets, but I've eaten pretty well aside from that, and I think I'm ready to resume a routine, get healthy and greet the new year with some resolutions I will keep.

Pain is interesing; it will always get one's attention. And the larger pain will distract from the smaller. There is a spot on my left side where the drain exited that hurts most sharply of all the various pains associated with this surgery. There's tightness across the entire chest, almost as though I'm wearing a bra that I can't take off - ironic as it was the prospect of no longer needing a bra that was one of the prime motivators for my having this surgery in the first place. A little myofascial release performed on myself helps, but the pain is still quite profound, and somewhat unpredictable. I'm surrendering to the Ox on evenings when I'm home and don't have to go anywhere when the pain level gets up over a 5 or 6 with just the non-opiates. The last couple of nights have been in that category.

My hair is curling too; I need to consult a hairdresser about products that will help control this amount of curl in the short-short cut. The dressings I have that are designed to control ringlets are not appropriate, and the gels and pomades I do have don't seem so be giving it body and preventing frizz at the same time. It's a problem I'm happy to work at solving. I'm happy to have hair, period. It looks pretty cute too in this short-short length and the dark-dark roots of the silver ends. Wonder what it'll do next? Gotta post a new picture soon.

I'm glad I went back to work last week and I'm glad I'll be working this week, but I'm equally glad to have another day off before I go.

White Christmas

Written yesterday evening, December 25th, 2010

What a lovely morning it was; the perfect white Christmas. Every bit of the landscape covered in glistening cottony white dressing but all the roads dark and wet, easily passable. We spent the day tidying the house without haste, snacking a bit, preparing a trip to a local Chinese restaurant to enjoy my Christmeas tradition. Our friends, Grace and Billy, let us know that they were skipping Christmas celebrating this year and so we told them that the little gifts we had for them were thank yous for their help in our recent emergency, and joked that we are celebrating "Christmakwanzikah". It's true about the gifts anyway. I don't care for enforced gifting, and I have not done much of it this year. But when I have time and the ability to discern a proper choice of gift, I do enjoy it.  And thank you gifts are always easier to come up with than annual ones, for me.

I treated gift shopping this season as Occupational Therapy. I went out into the stores a couple of weeks ago, when I was just back to being able to get out and about, and I mainly focused on getting some things for my co-workers, who have been so supportive all the long year bringing me meals and making sure I was able to handle the load at work. And shopping was hard, despite having time without constraints of conflicting schedules to spend at it, I found it difficult to determine what would be a nice gift for each individual, how much I could afford to spend, etc. Judgement is impared when one is in-between opiates. I think I did okay though, and now driving, working and just getting my daily activities done is much easier.

Had my 3rd "expansion" on Thursday and Dr. W told me that I am now off of any activity restrictions. If I have the energy, if I have the strength to do it without pain stopping me, I am allowed to do it.

Time heals everything

Right after the surgery, I thought I had probably made the biggest mistake of my life, and that I was going to pay for it forever. I woke from anesthesia in extreme pain, like nothing I had ever experienced or imagined. My first ever night in the hospital as a patient, and my first ever experience of morphine, and although I felt amazingly well-cared for by my lovely nurses, I still took a scary blood pressure dip that first night and had quite a crew of staff gathered around my bed expressing concern. I was not worried about that - my BP is typically low, and I figured it would bounce back shortly - but the pain was frightening. Then it dropped rapidly and I felt pretty good while I had Mom here taking care of me, but after the first expansion, I thought I was going to truly regret the choice I made for completing my treatment.

Not now; I've still got pain, but it's reducing steadily. My range of motion and strength are increasing rapidly. Energy is bouncing back, and although I'd love to continue to focus on doing some around-the-house things rather than returning to work on Monday, I certainly feel up to it, and I think the purposefulness of going to my job will help elevate my still-fluctuating mood. Thursdays will be expansion days; that should be challenging, and I will give in to meds without resistance on those days.

I'm down to hardly any medication. What worked well yesterday, which I think I will try again tonight, was to take Salicin B in the morning, evening and before bed, along with a Valium before bed. I think I'm tolerating that better than the Oxycodone. And I think in it's muscle relaxant capacity it is targeting my sleeping trouble better than the narcotics. It's starting to feel good to sleep on my side again, but I still can't turn in bed well. Going from one side to another, or from back to side, is a huge effort and requires a lot of bed-shaking turning, which of course is hard on Dave. I would have worried about that if he had been well during my convalescence, but with him more compromised than I, facing a longer healing, it's difficult for me to relax and allow myself to rumble as much as necessary.

I was much less blue today, though still somewhat weepy. It's easy to be emotionally raw this time of year with sentimentality dripping from all media and every image one is exposed to. I focused on getting my haircut which felt good, and my eyebrows shaped, lip waxed, feet pedicured. I shopped and then came home and just have been hanging in front of the fire. Now it's time to hit the sack. See you tomorrow.

Deep Blues

Somehow today I fell into a dark blue hole. I just seemed unable to stop crying this morning. I'm feeling isolated and frustrated; there was a time when we would have had an invitation every night for the entire month and would have to figure out how much we could participate in-this year we have none, and it's not just because of our health status. These are hard times and we are no longer in a super-social field of work. 

Later on, ironically, I was undone by the prospect of our close friends dropping by on boxing day; just the thought of having 4 people visit at once completely freaked me out as I don't seem to be able to  handle even tidying up around here, much less cleaning and coming up with some refreshments. I had a meltdown on the phone with Sam; she reassuring me that the only thing wanted from me is my company and my efforts to heal, me boohooing while knowing with one side of my brain that the other is just off kilter due to cabin fever and medication.

Feeling lonely, I didn't know who to call to talk to; so many folks are going through hard times right now. I feel like a fool to go off on a poor-me run. I've been given so much sweet attention from my friends over the course of this cancer battle, and especially since the his-and-hers surgeries, i know feeling left out is just one of those holiday-time distortions. So I decided that what I need is action; I am too out of focus to shop or make any particular decisions, but I am now able again to push a vacuum, so I did at least get the pet hair up. Then I took my first bath in 3 weeks. The scar lines are still a little scabbed up so I covered them with Press N' Seal and avoided soaking them, but soaking my lower half sure felt good. Boy, do I need a pedicure! I will get a hair cut and eyebrow wax tomorrow. I at least had the energy to make an appointment. Maybe I'll be able to get a spontaneous pedicure along with it.

I decided that part of my problem had to be a lack of exercise, so I went to the Y and participated in my first Zumba class tonight. I wasn't able to do the whole class, and had to be very careful to keep my arm motions controlled to avoid overdoing, but it felt really good to work up a sweat and to stretch out afterward. I think that in the long run exercising is likely to help with both mood and pain. I have to find a way to work some classes into my schedule. Can't do yoga for a while, but careful Zumba, Tai Chi, striding on the elliptical machine-those are things that should be okay for me.

Came home and walked the dog briefly; she is begging to go out again for the 6th time tonight, suffering from cabin fever herself, dying of boredom from watching us lay around the house. After her walk, I made brown rice with mushrooms, onions, olives and roasted red beans inspired by some brown rice that Hilary brought last week, and ate too much of it. I feel much better now.

written last night, Friday December 17th, 2010

Good Day

Dave really gave me a scare last night with the abdominal pain at bedtime. Today he says it was probably having eaten too much at one time. His appetite is coming back but is unreliable and he occasionally is famished. He is trying to space out his meals and keep the volume low at each one. That's a good idea for anyone, but he's always been a one-big-meal-a-day kind of guy with small snacks in between; he will have to have more snacks and avoid that big meal at least for now. I understand that suddenly famished feeling while healing; I've had plenty of that myself. But I am now over 2 weeks past surgery, and hopefully can normalize my eating pretty soon, as I continue to want to nip the post treatment weight gain in the bud.

We are currently in the middle of a deep freeze, with highs around freezing and lows well below. I would have liked to go in to my clinic today as there was a holiday pot-luck for members and patients, Roland White's Bluegrass band performing and an opportunity for me to sit in, but of course Dave's followup appointment was scheduled for about the same time and there was no way he was in shape to go from clinic to clinic; it was enough to just get to his appointment. But his doctors were satisfied with his progress and removed his staples, exchanging them for steri-strips, and pronounced his wound healing to be right on schedule. I still feel that we need to come up with a nutritional strategy for the future, but for the time being, he just needs to eat his AMCAP diet-as many calories as possible. Lots of smoothies, peanut butter, juice, and anything that appeals to him basically.

I am feeling fairly well. I'm able to sleep on my right side for a while at night, which is huge for me, taking a lot of pressure off of my back. And I'm down to far less medication, thinking I may try to sleep without the narcotics tonight as my Salicin B, the herbal anti-inflammitant, has arrived. It worked well for me after my bout of shingles last year. Of course that pain was not as serious as what I'm experiencing now, so it remains to be seen how the stuff will do.  In the meantime, I've got what I need to sleep well and warmly; I still feel like a lucky girl even if outrageous fortune keeps on slinging those arrows.

Saturday I will get my first haircut since the chemo began. It will be a trim; I still don't have a whole heck of a lot of hair, but what I have is kind of messy. I like the look of the boy-cut, and am comfortable keeping that style, but it's shaggy around the ears and on the back of my neck. To some degree, I hate to lose even a fraction of an inch of it; my head is no longer cold all of the time, but still not warm, and  I'd love to be able to feel okay about my grooming without losing any of the precious growth, but it will grow on, I know it will. Some say that cutting hair increases its growth rate so I'm going to hope for that-I sure as heck hope that's true. I'm so grateful to have eyebrows again that I've been hesitant to have them shaped and trimmed, but I'm due for that too. It will have to wait a bit because I'm not sure who should do it, but the young woman who cuts Dave's hair does a great job for him, and I'm sure will do well for me.

Pain control strategies seem to be working

Written yesterday, 12/14, Tuesday.

I am so happy that I can report that my pain is under control again, but it certainly requires the use of medication. I'm down to far fewer pills daily now than a couple of weeks ago, and that is good indeed, but it's quite humbling to accept that I'll probably be wanting to continue to use prescription pain meds, including narcotics, for the next few months. Maybe I'll be able to get past it, but at least it's minimal at the moment.

Yesterday I had my second "expansion" and was able to deal with it much better than the first surprise fill up. I was prepared for it, had taken a muscle relaxer and a pain pill in advance of the experience, and got a prescription for Valium as well, which I had not been aware of is classified as a muscle relaxer; it apparently does work in that way and seems a bit more helpful in this situation than the Parafon Forte that I've always used successfully in the past. I told Dr. W that I have never asked for a refill of a narcotic prescription before and he said that this treatment is not supposed to be torture and that the Oxycodone will be available as needed throughout the expansion process over the next few months. I only need it to sleep right now, and right after the procedure, but it would be great if I can get the pain level under control to the point where I don't need it at all, as stated before. It gives me bad dreams, but at least allows me to sleep. A conundrum.

Tonight, Dave went to bed with a belly ache. He said it is not serious, but his face is drawn and pained looking. I am nervous about taking my pain pill in case I need to drive him to the ER. Guess if we reach that, God forbid, I'll call 911. Got a call from a very close friend informing me that he has been in the hospital for about a week with ulcerative colitis. Sure seems like a lot of illness and suffering going on among my crew at the moment. Whassup? Must be age, yet I look at my parents and they seem to be thriveing, along with many of their friends. How do I join that crowd, the happy, healthy over-70 social set? I mean, I want to be as well and able as they at their age. That's my plan. It would be nice if my gang is there with me.

Friday Fireside

I thought I was tired during chemo; sheesh! I'm just really struggling with exhaustion and pain right now. Pain has been steadily decreasing on the whole, but the constant nature of it is very trying and requires a lot of energy to deal with. It definately ramps up in the late afternoon/evening, and today I tried to take less medication by addressing it with acupuncture. That treatment left me sleepy and feeling a shift in my response, but did not prevent the increasing pain level as the day wore on despite my forsaken plan to shop after the needling today and a long nap. Now I'm wearing my TENS unit on the area on my left back that seems to be in spasm-a symptom my surgeon identified as a response to the rib pressure from the front side.

So I'm seeking strategies to manage muscle spasm pain, or to avoid muscle spasm in response to future expansions. And I'm eating like a person starved, which I am clearly not, but I live in a virtual candy store right now filled with many of my favorite treats. Home-baked breads and cookies, and even better, soups, veggie dishes, baked chicken-foods that I cannot resist. And I've been surprisingly hungry. I'm trying to be sure to focus on fresh fruit and veggies, lean protein, lots of supplements, and not to go too much for the easy fix of a sweet treat, but the food that I most crave is soup, and the house if full of a variety of this, much of which I've frozen. That's helpful now and will be when I return to work and have just enough energy to do my job and heat a frozen meal. Or maybe I'll do better, bust off of this plateau and start to find my mojo again. Yeah...surely that will happen soon. I'm not even 2 weeks out yet.

written yesterday, 12/10/10 Friday

Painfree in the morning; back with a vengence in the afternoon.

This week the pain has been quite a challenge, and quite unpredictable. I woke with really no pain to speak of this morning, and was able to do some of the de-cluttering that I had planned for today. Felt really good for the most part in the early part of the day for my shower and meals and then visits from my boss and our former housemate Mark who, between the 2 of them, brought us a refrigerator-full of groceries. Hallelujah! There were a couple of items though that I did not have here and wanted to get, so I figured that I would run out briefly and hit the bank and make a couple of quick purchases. Somehow though, driving drove my pain up. Way up. Surprised me. I am going to have to practice that, though, because I have to do some driving tomorrow, and I will have to drive myself to work in 10 days or so. Surely I'll be ready for that by then.

written yesterday, 12/8/10  Wednesday

Goals

1. Return to work on 12/20. That's 3 weeks after the surgery. I should be ready for half-days by then and I think it will make the return easier to start with a couple of weeks of shortened schedule. 
2. Get the coffee-table in the den cleared off tomorrow and in general do some de-cluttering of the  house. The clutter is getting on both of our nerves. I think it will help the healing process to cut down on it.
3. Get out of pain as soon as possible. Patience is a virtue..

this was written yesterday, December 7th, and I forgot to finish or post it...

ch ch ch ch changes....

Wow....amazing pain and the having of it; how was I pain free a couple of days after surgery? My brain must have just checked out in that department for a while. Today I went to see the plastic surgeon ahead of schedule for a follow up because I was having some trouble with my drains and was also concerned about some bruising. Dr. W was not concerned; he had the nurses whip those drains out but not until after he actually gave me my first fill up! I had heard that the "expansions" did not begin until 3 weeks after surgery, but he said that if I could tolerate it, it would be better to get it going before scarring down any further. Well, I'm still taking the big dog pain pills, so I can tolerate it, but I wouldn't want to try without the meds. Thank goodness Anita had driven me to the appointment-I didn't have the drugs with me, but I still don't think I could've driven home safely. Feels like I've got strapping tape cinched tight around my chest. The scar tissue under my left arm from the axillary node biopsy done during my initial surgery is talking to me and the pain in my armpit that I had thought was past has returned. When I am healed up enough to do some serious myofascial release to the area between my neck and my waist, I'll be able to deal with this better, but right now, I am grateful for codine and muscle relaxers.

But part of the problem is actually a good thing-nerves are waking up. The backs of my upper arms had been numb and now have nearly-normal feeling. I have some nerve pain in the breast area including some occasional zingers and some "phantom nipple" sensations that I hope will settle down as time goes on...it is changing daily...but I'm happy not to be totally numb. I'm glad to have the nagging irritation of the drains gone, but the sites are pretty sore so far. Maintaining proper posture takes even more intention and attention than pre-surgery. Gentle self-massage helps, but man, this is intense. Curious what tomorrow will feel like.

Dave is healing well; his home nurse came today and showed me how to dress his wound. He doesn't have much of an appetite; I have waves of ravaging hunger and fortunately plenty of delicious freshly prepared food provided by friends to tame it. He is frustrated that I am taking care of him rather than he me, but ya do what ya gotta do. I am much more relaxed now that he is home. I think we will need to do some inspirational speaking when we are well...I'm inspired anyway, that we have gotten this far through this ordeal and are still doing a lot of laughing about it. Tears are acceptable too, of course. I was prepared to experience pain during this recuperation, I just didn't expect the particular, surprise emotional side of it nor could I have imagined the actual intensity and type of sensation of this pain. I do believe I will be able to manage it and to be drug free again at some point; women who have been through this have told me that it becomes normal, unnoticed, but I have a long way to go before I get there.

I will take some pictures soon...this process should be interesting.

Rough Day

This is one of those posts that may be TMI for some, so don't read on if you can't stand the potty talk.

Hadn't had a movement since Sunday. I'm usually super-regular as I make a point of being that way, and eat a lot of fresh fruit and veggies, fiber and chia seeds, etc. I expected to have a bit of a constipation problem after a surgery, most everybody does, but I thought I was taking steps to avoid a major backup. No such luck. Despite stool softeners for several days before surgery and every day after, and also senna and some Benefiber once I got home, I had not been able to get my tubes to wake up enough to push the waste out, and today experienced the pain of a major backup.

Went to the pharmacy and the druggist recommended magnesium citrate, which I have taken to clean out for procedures in the past. It works well and fast, but I have been feeling kind of sick all day.

Later...
I am much better tonight than I was during the day. Mom took amazing care of me and kept me resting, which is hard to do as I tend to pop up and find tasks to dive into at all times. I started feeling less nauseous around dinnertime, and then finally had to go back to taking pills to address the surgical pain this evening, but I think I can stave off any further bouts of major constipation by remembering to keep hydrated, take senna, use probiotics and take more magnesium citrate if I have another day of no-go. Just a little dab'll do ya. Thank you CVS pharmacist.

I had planned to enjoy this week after surgery just lying in bed watching movies and letting Dave wait on me. Didn't go as planned. Mom waited on me plenty but having Dave incapacitated and away kept this from being the self-indulgent relaxation-fest I had planned on; I spent way too much time worrying. I'm hoping that I can cease and desist in that from here out as he has now reported working bowels, doctors planning release,  and eagerness to come home tomorrow. We will need help, but I think I will be better able to let loose and chill out with both of us here where we belong.  I really hate to let Mom go though...I will miss her terribly. She had offered to come to help me post-surgery before the big exciting prelude was added to the program and I had turned her down assuming that Dave and I would be fine on our own. It was heartbreakingly wonderful that she was willing and able to drop everything at the last minute and come after all despite my initial refusal. I hope there will be no next time to know better in.

Neglected to write about this earlier, but the initial stressor this morning was the result of my much anticipated shower; one is supposed to find a creative way to hang the drain bulbs so that the drains  don't pull out, and to cover the drain entry sites with something like Press N' Seal while showering. I made sure that the shower mat was in the tub to avoid slipping, got the Press N' Seal from the drawer in the kitchen, pinned the bulbs to a robe-tie hung around my neck, turned on the shower so that it was warm but not hot and jumped in, realizing in a second that I had just soaked my drain entry site bandages as I'd forgotten to apply the plastic before showering. Duh...here I am trying like mad to avoid infection and I did a dumb thing like that. So I called the Home Health nurse who came back and fixed me up, and provided supplies I had not previously been given to care for those sites. She checked me out and all seems to be okay. Whew...won't do that again. One must slow down and pay attention to detail. Everything is significant.

Day at Home

I woke up feeling sore from lying in one position all night. Moving around as I fed the pets and got some tea and coffee going helped me feel better, but I noticed that the drain on the right side is pulling out and I was concerned about that and anxious that I hadn't yet heard from the Home Health folks. But I managed to re-suppress the pain and to enjoy a brief head-and-feet massage, and when the home health nurse did finally come, she told me that my drain may indeed come out but that it will be okay and that I'm healing well.

I'm really amazed at how well my pain is managed and how able to use my arms I am; I had read from some other women that using the arms is so difficult for several days after this surgery that it's hard to wipe one's own bottom, but I am not having this trouble at all. Maybe because I'm so used to using my arms, so used to being busy and I continue to be, these factors may be involved with why I'm not having any noticeable limitations of my arms. I have to limit myself intentionally to avoid lifting objects over 5 pounds, but the arms are working just fine. The pain is in my chest. The arms don't hurt at all except where the IV was in my right hand and bumped up against a bone in my wrist.

Lots of friends visited, lots of yummy food was delivered. I will never go hungry again! There will be plenty of appropriate meals for Dave when he is finally back and eating, but I will need to freeze some more of the soups. I hate to waste a drop of anything; it's all so good.

Although there is little pain, there is a lot of odd sensation. Pressure in the chest, vibration-like sensations in the breast area, under the arms, below my scapula. Occasional shooting sensations, difficulty swallowing (not new but increased) and moments of crushing exhaustion. Considering this is my first week post-op, I think I'm doing great. Tomorrow I shower; that will be an adventure. Then Mom and I will go visit Dave. That will be another opportunity for excitement, hopefully of the reassuring kind. You can't write stuff like this; truth is stranger than fiction. Dave's doctor is our neighbor and friend. She says he's on the appropriate timetable for healing. I must believe her and trust that all will be well; believing otherwise would be crazy-making. I plan to stay sane. Goodnight moon.

Amazing Pain and the lack of it

Written yesterday, Wednesday, 12/2/10

Today has been a very strange day. After the surgery and through most of yesterday, my pain was crushing. Monday night I was basically delirious and fighting blood pressure crashes, and trying to manage the highest pain I've ever experienced. But last night things began to even out; maybe it was the presence of my mom, who arrived around 7 pm, and just cheered me right up. Today I fought some unnecessary anxiety as I anticipated the sting of the removal of my IV from my right hand; it didn't hurt at all. I was tired and feeling weak-kneed as we navigated the discharge from the hospital and traveled home, and then somewhat exhausted as we received the blessing of a parade of homemade soups being delivered, but once fed and settled in, after a brief nap on the sofa, I feel somehow energized and nearly pain free. How can this be?

Billy came by and picked up some of Dave's things and brought them to him at the hospital. He is not doing as well as I am, but not too bad either, especially considering the severity of his illness and intensity of his surgery.