Somehow today I fell into a dark blue hole. I just seemed unable to stop crying this morning. I'm feeling isolated and frustrated; there was a time when we would have had an invitation every night for the entire month and would have to figure out how much we could participate in-this year we have none, and it's not just because of our health status. These are hard times and we are no longer in a super-social field of work.
Later on, ironically, I was undone by the prospect of our close friends dropping by on boxing day; just the thought of having 4 people visit at once completely freaked me out as I don't seem to be able to handle even tidying up around here, much less cleaning and coming up with some refreshments. I had a meltdown on the phone with Sam; she reassuring me that the only thing wanted from me is my company and my efforts to heal, me boohooing while knowing with one side of my brain that the other is just off kilter due to cabin fever and medication.
Feeling lonely, I didn't know who to call to talk to; so many folks are going through hard times right now. I feel like a fool to go off on a poor-me run. I've been given so much sweet attention from my friends over the course of this cancer battle, and especially since the his-and-hers surgeries, i know feeling left out is just one of those holiday-time distortions. So I decided that what I need is action; I am too out of focus to shop or make any particular decisions, but I am now able again to push a vacuum, so I did at least get the pet hair up. Then I took my first bath in 3 weeks. The scar lines are still a little scabbed up so I covered them with Press N' Seal and avoided soaking them, but soaking my lower half sure felt good. Boy, do I need a pedicure! I will get a hair cut and eyebrow wax tomorrow. I at least had the energy to make an appointment. Maybe I'll be able to get a spontaneous pedicure along with it.
I decided that part of my problem had to be a lack of exercise, so I went to the Y and participated in my first Zumba class tonight. I wasn't able to do the whole class, and had to be very careful to keep my arm motions controlled to avoid overdoing, but it felt really good to work up a sweat and to stretch out afterward. I think that in the long run exercising is likely to help with both mood and pain. I have to find a way to work some classes into my schedule. Can't do yoga for a while, but careful Zumba, Tai Chi, striding on the elliptical machine-those are things that should be okay for me.
Came home and walked the dog briefly; she is begging to go out again for the 6th time tonight, suffering from cabin fever herself, dying of boredom from watching us lay around the house. After her walk, I made brown rice with mushrooms, onions, olives and roasted red beans inspired by some brown rice that Hilary brought last week, and ate too much of it. I feel much better now.
written last night, Friday December 17th, 2010
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