Buh bye; hello

I can barely believe that there is only a matter of a few hours of 2010 left. I'm happy to say so long to a year that was so unexpectedly challenging, but grateful to be here in shape to bid it farewell. Glad to have my partner still with me; I really thought I was going to lose him for a little while there. I was too weak to allow myself to contemplate it at all. I made myself assume the best outcome, but truthfully, I was working hard at maintaining neutrality, feeling beset as I was, it was hard to stay present and not anticipate the outcome, or wallow in worry. Heck, that's been true all year, starting with the disintegrated drain pipe and ceiling tearout a year ago tonight, the ovarian cancer scare in January, the breast cancer diagnosis a couple of months later basically immediately upon my return to work from the first surgery, and then the non-stop treatment ending with the wow finish of his and hers hospitalizations. All of it has required meditation on being here now.

Just to amplify that, I had a fill-up yesterday, on Thursday, and discussed the recent high pain level with Dr. W, who is still unconcerned and stated that I show no signs of an infection, just healing muscle around the expander. I tend to feel better immediately after an expansion, but by the evening the increased tightness is pretty challenging. I overheard an awful story in the waiting room there though-a few women were discussing plastic-surgeries-gone-wrong, and one was describing how she went through expansion reconstruction only to find after she swapped her expanders for the permanent implants that rather than growing her pec outward, she had caved her ribcage inward. Yipes. Now she's looking into a flap. Her experience is not mine, but it is hard not to think "what if".  Hard to continue to "be here now".

Look Ma, cleavage!

I feel that I'm really done with "treatment" now; I'm just going through reconstruction. It's still challenging, but I feel well, just drained by dealing with pain. The better days, the ones where the pain is lower, are soooo much easier than the tougher ones. But I feel the end of this part of the journey approaching sooner than I expected. Still need to discuss the next steps with the PS, like how long do I wait to swap expanders for permanent implants after I reach the size I want to be, and how long after that before I get nipples. I've got 300 ccs of fluid in my expanders now and I look to myself like I'm about a B cup size; I'm aiming at a C, which should be here sooner than I had expected. But for now, at least I have a bustline again!

I'm happy to be here at home tonight resting in front of the fire despite the warmth of the evening. I can't call it a quiet night; there is too much noise outside with neighbors setting off fireworks causing the dog to whine. We watched the New York Philharmonic, after I sorted the black eyed peas for tomorrow's meal. Some say dried BEPs do not need to be soaked; I soak with some whey ala Nourishing Traditions. They seem to me to come out better, creamier and less gassy that way. I'll cook them with uncured organic smoked turkey wings as I just can't bring myself to use the hog jowl that is traditional around here. Every year BC (before cancer), I used to put a slice in my shopping cart, then put it back, then pick it up again, and again return it. Never brought myself to purchase it, although I did originally use a smoked shank. Now I just can't face pork at all anymore. And I don't have to worry about anyone else's traditions this year anyway; our previously annual New Years Day World Cultural Celebration is not happening this year, and I'm not sure I'm going to want to revive it to its former volume in the future anyway. It's always so much fun, but so much work that I'm absolutely exhausted at the end of the day, and it really requires a week to prepare for. With a "real" job, I'm not sure I want to take the necessary time off to make it happen. We'll see. That's the future. I'm sure glad it's not tomorrow.

So, I really need to make a list of resolutions. But tonight, I'm sure I can't handle committing to major lifestyle changes or achievements with deadlines. I know I plan to kick sugar...again...and to resume a regular exercise schedule. I want to write my book, and to join a band. I plan to try to do something to help other women going through breast cancer and folks and their caregivers going through cancer in general. But I think I'm going to resolve to formalize my resolutions next week rather than tonight. For now, I have accepted the use of pharmaceuticals to manage my pain, and I'm not feeling clear enough to organize my resolutionary thoughts. And I'm quite enjoying this lack of clarity. I wish everyone a healthy, happy 2011. I look forward to so much to whatever happens in the new year and the opportunity to comment on it.