Saturday Super day

I got my energy back yesterday and it was still present today. Oh yeah...it feels good to be back. I hope it is not a temporary reprieve and that I will continue to experience a increase in umph, and that I've truly gotten my mojo back.

This morning I sold the hand-cranked wheatgrass juicer my folks sent to me at the beginning of the chemical treatment phase of this journey and then made myself a glass of wheatgrass/apple and assorted greens juice in the Omega electric. I traded stainless steel man-powered for plastic and polycarbonate plugin. I prefer stainless in principle, but just couldn't deal with the constant falling off of the counter, not to mention the amount of exercise required to turn the crank. Much better for me to use the machine that I'm using and get the juice than to be off put by the requirements and not end up getting the elixer. It's like the question about organic brocoli-better to eat organic than conventional, but better to eat conventional than none at all. 

Spent the early afternoon with my friend Sandy who is a long time breast cancer survivor; she was kind enough to take me out to lunch and to tour the Country Music Hall of Fame. I've been there before, in fact I play there with Dave in an educational presentation about twice a year, but I haven't toured the exhibits in several years. It's always inspiring, always interesting. It's also meloncholy, looking at the artifacts associated with so many people I've known personally and some who are gone now, who I miss desperately. It also just in general sends me down memory lane, reviewing so many great moments in my life as an unknown musician. I had a damn good time back in my former life, and today.

Took the dog-girl for a walk by the lake in the late afternoon, with perfect fall weather and the trees still dropping red and golden leaves. Xena shines on walks like that-she loves them, the smells, the critters and all the admiration she gets from passers-by. I did too, but am so out of practice that my feet were sore afterward despite having worn my sneakers.  I still had the energy to make dinner afterward, and am now relaxing and watching TV. A really nice day. The front lights are off and we are not participating with the few trick-or-treaters who are roaming the neighborhood. We are cuddled up, hunkered down and staying in. I wish I had some apple cider to heat up.

Great Day

Today was the first Friday in a long time that I didn't crash. I actually had pretty normal energy today. It is 10:30 at night and I have been out to celebrate my end of chemo with the office crowd who wouldn't let me pay for a thing...too sweet of them as I really feel as if I should've treated them. It's humbling how generous and supportive my coworkers have been, and I know they have made things soft on me, but working has been so helpful to me. I'm sure this would have been a rougher road to travel if I hadn't been able to work. Now that I feel myself coming out of the fog, I just don't want to expect myself to do so much more that I become as worn out as I was at the time that I was diagnosed.

I've also been out to hear some friends play at Brown's Diner and sit with Dave as he ate his dinner and I nursed a beer to be justified in taking my space at the bar. It was nice to be out in the kind of environment in Nashville that charmed me from the start. And to have the energy required to be spontaneous and to jump on a chance to go out and spend time with my husband.

I've spent so little time out aside from going to work that I am not unrecognized frequently; I don't see much of anybody I know. But tonight a friend I hadn't seen in a long time introduced himself to me. I tried to stop him from being embarrassed about it, but he was. How could he know? I had very distinctive hair b.c. (before chemo),  and the boy-cut I've got now, all silver-and-gunmetal, is a very different look. I kinda like it. I don't mind the very short hair thought at all, but I'd like a bit more of it.  Anyway, I'm sorry anyone is embarrassed if they don't recognize me, but it's kind of fun sometimes to be incognito.

Still In Detox Mode

Written on Tuesday: 

My hair is showing evidence of a curl. Eyelashes are beginning to bud. Eyebrows still very sparse, but I think they are growing. It's all too slow; I'm ready for full-hair action. And it's weird to need a haircut with only a half inch on my head, but there are random wires sticking out all over and it's starting to look unkempt. I know there is still plenty of chemo in my system...not really sure what the half-life of those chemicals are, but I'm still pretty danged tired although getting better every day. I wonder if I'm still anemic?

Got a much-needed massage today, and have been barely functional since, requiring all my strength to make dinner, although I kept it very simple. I really do need to consult a nutritionist, I just don't know who would be appropriate. I need help with meal planning and preparation to focus on the types of foods I think we should be eating here.

Dave is working on posting some record reviews that he's written lately-all classical and baroque. I am the inadequate computer tutor and doing my best to help him navigate these confusing sites. The evenings go by too damn fast; time for personal pursuits is so precious and my energy is still so limited.

Itch, itch, itch....

One of the symptoms I was warned about was general itchiness post Taxol. Oh, yeah....   Some of it is due to dry skin and goes down with an application of lotion, but there must be a chemo-detox factor to it as well. There's a bit of contact dermatitis-looking rashiness as well as just itching with no visible reason. Very annoying. I'm drinking lots of water and have been meaning to without success get to the Y and sit in the sauna. Need to do some exercise to work up a sweat too; maybe I'll have a cancellation at work tomorrow.

Right now there is a tornado warning for the part of the state south of us. The weather man on channel 2 is naming off towns-Hoodoo, Hard Scrabble, Stringtown, Gassaway, Bug Scuffle, Defeated-the names are so great, it distracts from the severity of the situation. Right here in Nashville at the moment, all is calm, just wet.

I've been tired. Really tired a lot of the time this week. That too, I think, is a function of chemo detox, and probably a little bit because I finished chemo and immediately went into a super busy schedule of hanging out with my folks, then having a longer work schedule this past week as well as doctors appointments, and lots of general catching up to do. I've been trying to respect the fatigue, to rest well and sleep long and hard on the weekend. Spent the morning today sitting on the back porch with a book and a cup of weekly coffee; a treat and a very peaceful way to kick off the day off.

One of the things I've been learning about triple negative breast cancer is that it is thought to be responsive to insulin levels; it's suggested to keep them low and consistent. So I'm thinking about getting a nutritional certification of some sort myself, and in the meantime, visiting a nutritionist who can help me with a low fat, low carb, alkaline diet. I have no trouble with the concept of focusing on eating my fruits and veggies, but in what combination and proportions, that's a question I'm not quite able to answer at the moment. And I don't think I've ever had a fasting blood sugar level taken, nor a fasting cholesterol, so I will email my doctor and ask for this.

There is a clinical trial coming up of a drug called Metformin, used mainly to treat type 2 diabetes, testing as to whether it is useful for improving the long term prognosis for breast cancer patients. I expect to be asked to participate in it. I'm not sure about doing that-it sounds like I would really like to get the drug, and I'm not sure how I feel about taking the drug twice a day for 5 years without knowing if I've really gotten the goods or a sugar pill. This one will never be un-blinded; I would never know what I actually got. I don't feel good about that as I just think about it in advance here, but I suppose I may change my thinking as I learn more.

Today's symptoms:
Dizziness-every time I bent down today, I felt lightheaded upon standing up. Skipped yoga today because of it.
Itchiness-all over, not constant but consistent. Annoying.
Mouth pain-3/10, right side of tongue
Swallowing-pretty good.
Nose bleeds-diminishing; no major bleeding today!

No More Mammograms/Today's symptom log

Today I went to see Dr. K for my follow up to the lumpectomy surgery done back in April. It's almost exactly 6 months since that surgery-time sure flies when you're having fun! Anyway, I had been scheduled for a mammogram today, but because I have decided on the bilateral mastectomy, we decided to hold on it. A permanent hold, I believe, as there is no plan to do them post surgery. I will continue to do self exams, and of course images will be made if anything suspicious arises, but otherwise, with no symptoms, we assume I'm healthy.

I am, but I'm tired the last few days. Came home from work today and took a nap. I think my body is so used to being jacked up on steroids on Thursdays that it didn't know how to handle a day-after-Wednesday with no Decadron to bolster my energy. The nap helped though, and I'm ready to go out and do a couple of massages this evening. Not the King Kong feeling I've had on Thursdays for the last 3 months, but quite refreshed.

The doctor told me that women who are more flexible in the pectoral region do better during rehab after surgery, so the next 6 weeks are boot camp for flexible pecs. I want that best-case-sceanario after each surgery (there are 3 involved with the mastectomy and reconstruction) and during the period while my expanders are being expanded. I intend to do some traveling during this period, and I plan to feel as great as possible during it as well.

I need to get back to keeping the symptom log, but won't get around to it tonight, so I'll include them here:

Neuropathy: still going on; the oncologist told me that all kinds of odd sensations that I've been experiencing lately are the result of Taxol-induced neuropathy. Today it's lots of itching, along with the occasionally needle-jabs of pain in my feet and hands. I've got a few rashy places particularly on my left hand, ring finger, that I'm thinking are also related, but not sure exactly how.  6/10

Swallowing: not too bad; haven't been taking many of my pills though. Burning tongue 4/10




Sleeping: mostly good; sometimes need to listen to my guided imagery on my Ipod to turn my head off, though.



Appetite: beginning to taper off. Now if I can just get this weight to start backing down again...

Looking forward to the weekend. It's right around the corner.

Wonderful Weekend with the Folks

I'm having a great weekend; my folks have come to Nashville from L.A. to visit me and we have been enjoying each other's company for the past couple of days. Long walks, long talks, art exhibits and train rides, a real treat for me as I haven't seen them since my graduation a year and a half ago, and a triumph of energy as I've had the most active Friday and Saturday that I've had in a very long time. I hope I can keep it up tomorrow; I want to make it to yoga class in the afternoon, after brunch with the family before I kiss them goodbye and send them on their way to other parts of Tennessee.

It's been perfect weather, too, a rare occurance here in middle Tennessee where it is usually too hot, too cold, or too humid. We really lucked out for our train trip looking at the changing leaves and the silly train robbery skit. My friend Hunter has a coffee house in the little town where we stopped and walked around; it was great to see him, even if only for a minute-the shop was mobbed. I was tired when we got home though, crashed out for a while, then off to another yummy dinner tonight. Gotta get back on the mostly-veggie diet again tomorrow! Xena is moping today as she knows it's Saturday and I neglected my doggie duty of taking her out to a farmers market or park in our usual manner in order to spend the time usually spent with her with my parents. It's a people thing; she wouldn't understand.

I'm nervous about going back to a fuller schedule at work again. I think I'll be fine, heck, I'm not going to have a weekly poisoning session anymore, and it's only 2 additional patient hours, but this first week back I didn't realize that my schedule had reverted to my old schedule for Monday - Wednesdays (full days) and my newer schedule for Thursday and Friday (5 hour days) which for this one week will add 4 patient hours -

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Well, I crashed out yesterday in the middle of the blog. Today I was pretty whupped and took a long nap after we came home from brunch, the last family meal before the parents went on to Chattanooga. Spent the evening making soup. Aside from being so dang tired, I feel pretty good today. Wonder what the coming week will be like, with no chemical interruption. There goes that excuse....

As I celebrate another beautiful day of being on the planet, I am reminded to appreciate each nuance of life with the news that another dear friend has passed away suddenly. Years ago, after a series of losses of his crew, John Hartford told me repeatedly that you've gotta be tough to grow old; it's not for sissies. Indeed. Those we miss live on in our hearts but that is cold comfort when you just feel like sharing a story and having a laugh with them. I'm grateful to be here to mourn, sorry that mourning is in order. Farewell dear friend.

Gratitude

This is it; even as I write, I'm receiving the last drops of chemo. I'm just about done here. The side effects will probably go on awhile, but with the knowledge that I'm healthy and finished with this long experience, I feel that I'll be able to tolerate them and to reconcile myself to them without the need for pain killers. Maybe some physical therapy, but not until after my surgery. I am quietly thrilled to be at this point and in a position to plan to have my teeth cleaned, my toenails spruced up and to freely eat salad once again all in a couple of weeks from now. Hallelujah!

I'll keep taking the Glutamine; apparently the side effects of the Taxol are partially delayed and long lasting, perhaps taking the next couple of years to fully wear off. The pain I've noticed along the border of my left breast, the heart palpitations and dizziness over the last couple of weeks, all of these are deemed by my oncologist to be in response to the neurotoxic factor of the Taxol of which I've now had 12 treatments. Hopefully, continued Glutamine consumption will lead to continued nerve and digestive support.

My sister and others have warned me that there is an inevitable let down after chemo is through. Suddenly, you're done, with checkups every few months, but none of the intensive attention that go on during the treatment. And you wonder and you worry about every new ache or pain and you get the blues. I will try to steel myself for this, and to consider myself forearmed by the forewarning. Besides, I have a followup appointment with my breast surgeon a week from tomorrow, and surgery to schedule and then the surgery itself and rehab afterward, Christmas/New Years off, and frequent visits to the doctor for expansions as I transition from the expanders to being large enough to accommodate the implants. I expect that if I'm going to get the "after cancer blues" they are going to hit me after I'm done rebuilding my chassis.

Today is a beautiful day. I'm excited to be alive in it.

Symptom Log 10/12/10

1. Neuropathy: Mostly left thumb, but whole left hand is effected, shooting pains in the feet continue as well. 5/10. The neuroma on the left hand was tingling a lot today and the hand was very sensitive to hot water while washing dishes.
2. Appetite: Fresh juice in the morning is just great; holds me for about 3 hours.
3. Mouth: Sores gone. Burning Mouth Syndrome back most of day, not very high though. 3/10 in the tongue. Some tingling/pain in the teeth and gums as well.
4. Anxiety: low today, but still running my mental worry tape and trying to silence it. I've at least gotten it to quiet down.
5. Strength: Continuing to feel it improving.
6. Nose bleeds: continuing to improve. I wonder how long until they go away?
7. Energy: Pretty good; never really hit the wall, but I had PT myself today and kinda dozed off, so got a tiny nap.
8. Hair: coming back, all straight and white everywhere. Thought I saw the beginnings of a curl, but I think it was just messed up from the way I slept.
9. Swallowing: Another really good day with that; may it last.
10. Pain: Still feeling that tight pulling pain at the lateral border of my left breast. It's not right at the surgical site, but within a couple of inches of it.
11. Shortness of breath/Palpitations: These continue. Not debilitating, but concerning.

The Eve of the Final Infusion

Wow, tomorrow I finally reach the end of the chemo part of this journey. Well, that's not really true, as the chemistry will remain in my system for a while, and it's effects are intended to be long lasting. But the Taxol has been mild, tolerable compared with the Adriamycin/Cytoxin, and things are coming back. Hair, white and straight,  softly covering my head with a shadow of dark shadow amid the snow but not enough of it yet to keep me warm. Pubic hair now beginning to show signs of dark kinky strands, eyebrows filling in, but lashes not yet quite taking. They start to bud, but every week, the little buds disappear. So after tomorrow, perhaps they will go on and grow. I have a very strong appreciation of hair now, and how much comfort it provides cushioning raw edges of eyes, brow ridges, private parts and the cold cranium.

So much I wanted to write today, but as so often happens, I became caught up with food preparation and small household details. White beans and fresh greens from Sylvia's farm, cornbread from Whole Foods. Clean the kitchen, walk the dog, take a bath as I won't want to soak for a couple of days after having the hole poked in my chest accessing my port tomorrow. Had to actually dig out some shampoo and conditioner, which is something that I haven't had to do in a long time. (I've been able to get by on liquid soap on my head but now really have hair that responds to the chemistry of the cleaning product.) Time is eaten up with little bites of chores and distractions, and the blog does not write itself.

Tomorrow I will celebrate by coming home and doing whatever I feel like doing. No particular plans, but my folks come on Thursday. I will celebrate with them, and then continue to celebrate, everyday. Every good day is a good day. Today was one of those, I expect another tomorrow.

Symptom Log 10/11/10

1. Neuropathy: Particularly left hand today, but shooting pains in the feet as well.
2. Fresh juice in the morning seems to be balancing it out a bit, but still quite hungry much of the time.
3. Mouth: Sores gone. Burning Mouth Syndrome back most of day, not very high though. Some tingling/pain in the teeth and gums as well.
4. Anxiety: well, I wrote that it was low yesterday and then had a hard time going to sleep as I spun my mental worry video around in my head. So moderate anxiety. 
5. Strength: Continuing to feel it improving.
6. Nose bleeds: Better today than the last few. Using Ayervedic oil drops at night before bed, just a couple in each nostril, really seems to help. That, and getting off of chemo after this week ought to take care of it.
7. Energy: Reasonably good energy today, considering I slept well but not enough. Hit the wall late afternoon.
8. Hair: coming back, all straight and white everywhere. 
9. Swallowing: If only every day could be as good as today in that department. One time, I chocked on a sip of water, but I think that was one of those timing issues-got distracted, tried to talk while swallowing, you know the drill. It wasn't much of a problem, and pills went down easy tonight. 
10. Pain: Doing a little yoga tonight at home, side angle pose to the right really woke up my left side along the lateral left breast, below the surgical area. Yow...I really don't remember that hurting that much before. The surgeon warned me that it would come and go. I'd like to keep it going until it is gone!
11. Shortness of breath/Palpitations: Yes, I'm having some of this. My dog-walk is probably a bit shy of  a mile, and I am puffing a bit by the time I get home. Lying in bed, I really feel the strong palpitations in the area just behind the bottom of my sternum. I don't like it. 

Symptom Log 10/10/10

1. Neuropathy: Not too bad today, but occasional shooting pains.
2. Appetite: silly to keep documenting this one. Quite healthy. A little occasional heartburn the last couple of days, especially after eating a "Skinny Cow" ice cream bar at the race yesterday.
3. Mouth: Sores gone. Burning Mouth Syndrome was there most of yesterday, but I don't remember noticing it at all today.
4. Jaw/Teeth: no major clenching last night.
5. Anxiety: low
6. Strength: I feel quite strong. I made it through the 5K plus all the extra walking, probably a couple of miles worth, yesterday and was only slightly sore today.
7. Nose bleeds: pretty consistent bloody discharge today; yuck. I look forward to that being over with. 
8. Energy: Lots of energy today and yesterday. Having fresh juice for breakfast daily since my juicer got here and am just going going going like the Energizer bunny.
9. Hair: coming back, all straight and white everywhere. 
10. Swallowing: no major trouble today, no slowdowns. No hiccups today, but haven't tried to swallow any pills, either. 

Day after the Race

It's been a gorgeous Indian summer weekend. Cool in the mornings, highs in the '90s, dry and sparkly with the leaves changing. The walk was fun and I was so happy to have my crew with me, although, I wasn't sure how we were going to meet up when I got there and found out that the decision to rendezvous at the Vanderbilt tent would be complicated by there being 2 of these, one for checking in and picking up shirts and bibs, etc, and the other in the race village for community outreach. So there was a lot of time spent on the phone trying to find one another, shouting into the receiver while opening ceremony music blared in the background. But somehow, find each other we did, and my small group of friends, none of whom had previously met, had a nice walk in the midst of the throng, with my pooch Xena trotting along happily, getting lots of attention as she is one pretty dog, and surprising me by tolerating the noise and the crowd even better than I. We dealt with more sun than I can usually tolerate, but I did not get burned, and I kept going yesterday long enough to do some shopping, get the house cleaned and spend the evening playing games with my group of friends who get together for this monthly.

Today, a festival at a friend's farm, lots of shopping, a no-show massage client (hope he's okay) and lots of cooking. One of my favorite pastimes, shopping and cooking. Sometimes, I think I have a grocery addiction.  I need to plan better though; groceries are expensive, time is scarce, and I really need to economize in both areas.

Should I buy a Wii? I'm trying to design a Wii-hab program for the clinic, and it's really hard to do without time outside of patient hours to practice with the equipment.  I think I'd enjoy it too, and maybe get some additional exercise.  I'm going to need to something to increase my fitness, especially when it gets too cold to walk outside, and when I'm healing from surgery and unable to go to yoga classes, etc. I should put my Y membership on hold during that time, and save at least that much money. I should stop worrying about money, I should just plain stop worrying. I am trying.

Friday I felt great but crashed hard finally, scaring Dave with my orthostatic hypotensive behavior, becoming dizzy and feeling faint every time I stood up. Saturday morning, just fine. Today, Dave freaked me out a bit by taking a couple of bites of dinner and then telling me that he needed to lay down, he was tired. He's sleeping now, I'm wide awake. I shouldn't worry about him-why shouldn't he have one of those nights? I'm having a great weekend, but fighting the worry monster. I guess it's time to return to meditation. I'll get on it pretty quick here, get off to bed and work on it. Gotta get up early to get the car into the shop. Will listen to a relaxation guided imagery by Belleruth Naperstek on my Ipod to get to sleep.

Taxol #11-one more to go

I'm getting it right now -the  next-to-last chemo infusion, 15 of 16 all together, 11 of 12 Taxols. Wow...it's been a long haul. I want to have a party to celebrate, at least with my co-workers, and will have to contact them to see if we can find a time to go have a drink or two. I think about bringing a cake, but them, I don't really want to eat sugar beyond the little bit that's added in the tart frozen yogurt I love or the 1 oz  of dark chocolate I eat nearly every day. I'm trying to be moderate about my neurotic avoidance of certain foods, sugar being the lead suspect in the dark underworld of cancer-promoting nutritional villians. I avoid it as much as I can without going crazy. I would probably feel even better and look much better if I could avoid it altogether. So no cake, but another way of celebrating will surely come to mind at some point. Right now all I can think about is dinner.

It's weird to be so hungry with chemo when the stereotypical chemotherapy patient is emaciated and nausiated with therapy. I remember it being that way for Dave; I fretted over him and made smoothies stuffed with as many healthy super-food nutrients and calories as I could get into them, hovering over him as he ignored them, begging him to just drink 2 ounces an hour. He did choke it down and it got him through, and eventually he gained some weight back. Despite the steriods he was given weekly with the therapy, he remained skinny and got skinnier. But I am gaining weight steadily, though not eating more than my pre-cancer normal. It's frustrating, and I'm trying not to worry about it until done with therapy. They say it's the steroids although I am getting a very minimum dose of them.  I really enjoyed the leaner frame I experienced for a few months at the start of this adventure. Probably would help if I were getting more exercise; again, after chemo. After next week, no more steroids, no more poison, no more excuses...until the next surgery.
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Of course it makes sense that one must be well nourished to do well while going through chemo hell, and to recuperate fully. So celebrating a healthy appetite by eating well and the resultant weight gain is probably okay right now, but I'm very bored of fighting it. I've been quite happy to have left my ovaries and the worries I battled over their health behind with my first surgery this year, but my concern about letting both of them go was partially a fear of fatness and I can't help musing that perhaps the trend I'm seeing is related to the hormonal lack. Initially, after the ooferectomy, I maintained a low weight with no effort and was elated about that. Then I started to worry about it, one of the preminitory senses I had before my diagnosis that cancer might be in my future, that perhaps my low weight maintenence was not a good sign. Then after diagnosis I was afraid to eat or drink anything and weight fell off me for a couple of months, to the point that I started to worry about that. So I guess there's just no pleasing me. Somewhere, somehow, I'll find the balance point.

My repaired juicer arrived and was waiting on the doorstep when we got home this afternoon. I made a wonderful refreshing fresh wheatgrass shot and am now enjoying the autumn breeze on the back patio, trying to get enough energy together to walk the dog. Saturday, the Race for the Cure is on; Xena and I will walk with a group of friends among the throng. If you'd like to sponsor me, my personal page is

Personal Race for the Cure page

Don't worry about it; we are all overly called upon to donate time and money. I always mean to contribute more that I do or even can, but I am looking forward to this walk as a celebration of nearing the end of this phase of cancer treatment and survival.  Anyway, Saturday mornings I generally have an outing with Xena; this one'll blow her doggie mind!

Hope your day is as beautiful as the one we are having here. Be well.

Symptom Log 10/5/10

1. Neuropathy: yeah, it's still there. A bit worse today.
2. Appetite: still more than I'd like, but healthy. I'll worry about the weight when I'm done with the chemo.
3. Mouth: sores just a bump now. Burning Mouth Syndrome consistent all day. VAS 4/10
4. Jaw/Teeth: tight jaw, some tooth pain and tingling especially in the morning.
5. Anxiety: low
6. Strength: no trouble with doing manual therapy today. 
7. Nose bleeds: pretty consistent bloody discharge today; yuck. I look forward to that being over with. 
8. Energy: much better today
9. Hair: coming back, all straight and white everywhere. 
10. Swallowing: no major trouble today, just occasional slowdowns. No hiccups today. 

Symptom Log 10/4/10

1. Neuropathy: still some occasional shooting pains in my hands and feet, not consistently. Still painful nailbeds on both thumbs. My shoulders still feel somewhat numb. 
2. Appetite: good. 
3. Mouth: sores just about gone. Burning Mouth Syndrome seems to increase toward the evening.
4. Jaw: tight and popping. Need to remember to sleep with my mouthguard.
5. Anxiety: low
6. Strength: no trouble with doing manual therapy today. 
7. Nose bleeds: pretty consistent bloody discharge today; yuck. I look forward to that being over with. 
8. Energy: spacey and sleepy all day today. Mornings and just after lunch are worst. Maybe I need to eat less. 
9. Hair: coming back, all straight and white everywhere.

Symptom Log 10/3/10

1. Neuropathy: some shooting pains in my hands and feet, not consistently, just occasionally, but quite sharp when they happen. Still painful nailbeds on both thumbs. My shoulders feel somewhat numb; not sure if that counts as "peripheral neuropathy", will have to ask. 
2. Appetite: good. 
3. Mouth: sores almost healed up. Burning Mouth Syndrome is back, not too bad, but pretty consistent after not really being noticeable for the last few months. 
4. Jaw: tight and popping. Need to remember to sleep with my mouthguard. Teeth are not hurting much today-just the one with the root canal in front that hurts whenever my sinuses are irritated. It hurt some today, about 4/10. 
5. Anxiety: lower. Feeling better about surgery again, still very anti-radiation.  Feeling reasonable peaceful and hopeful.
6. Strength: not great, but made it through yoga class this evening.

Symptom Log 10/2/10

• Mouth: sores are healing; teeth less painful today than yesterday. Burning tongue increased somewhat, about 4/10 which is higher than it has been in a while. 
• Neuropathy: not bad; about the same as yesterday. Occasional shooting pains, some diminished sensation particularly in left hand, mostly the thumb and index finger, and in both thumbnail beds, about 5/10
• Anxiety: decreased today; back to feeling strongly about the surgery. Frankly, I don't really want to do any further therapy after finishing chemo, but I think the least anxiety going forward will be associated with the mastectomy. I really don't want to do radiation. 
• Appetite: too good. Not out of control, but very active. Had dinner at Ted's Montana Grill tonight though, where I've gone to eat red meat as it's all free range, but the meatloaf I ordered tonight was too heavily peppered with black and white pepper and I am just over that place-way too corporate. The only thing that got me back there 3 times is the fact that the meat is trustworthy, but I think I'm going to have to prepare it myself, for the occasional times that I eat it, to be sure of the source. I'll eat other things when we dine out. 
• Sleep: slept deep and long last night. Didn't get a chance to work out or walk today. Will do tomorrow.

Sad Story

I went to a memorial today; my friend Pat, who had responded to my invitation, sent out a couple of weeks ago, to walk in the Race for the Cure with me, had responded that if she bounced right back from "minor heart surgery" planned for the next week, she would join my group. On the day I'd hoped to hear how she was faring, I got a call from her husband to let me know that she had passed away. It wasn't the heart surgery that got her, nor the lymphoma that she had been fighting on and off over the past several years. It was scar tissue, left over from 35-year-past gall bladder surgery. The adhesion between the liver and the abdominal cavity was ruptured when she was opened for what turned out to be major heart surgery which she would have survived if her liver hadn't been torn.  Ah,  jeeze...

Every surgery is a major undertaking, a chance for something unexpected to go dreadfully wrong. That's part of what has slowed me down with my own surgical plans. I still think it's probably the right choice for me, and somehow like the associated risks better than those that go along with radiation. But cutting into flesh is profound with umpteen ways to go wrong, and some are just not obvious, like Pat's liver having been attached to her inner scar tissue instead of freely lying where it belonged. We pray we are making the right choices and then go forward and any moment could be our last. Every good day is a good day....that is my mantra. I try to find all the joy I can in each moment. Pat always made me smile; we were always laughing when we got together. I do not believe that there's a better home awaiting in the sky, I believe it is here and now and just whatever it is at this time, so perception is something I have some control over and I chose to perceive the best. Her son said that she is in a better place; I doubt it, but I am glad to have my own memories to cheer me and I'm glad he has his faith to lift him.

We are going to a classical guitar concert tonight. I'm looking forward to hearing the honest skill that will be required to make the strings sing. It's a free show at Vanderbilt's Blair School of Music-they have lots of great free shows throughout the school year. Dave is familiar with the program for tonight, having been studying the history of guitar literature with an emphasis in the Baroque period recently; I'm not particularly focused on the pieces, but the music will carry me away if it's played well and I love that transcendent feeling. And a good meal will be welcome too.

Symptom Log 10/1/10

• Teeth hurt today; that's a new one. 2 mouth sores.

• Neuropathy: none yesterday, today minimum pains in thumbnail beds, tingling in feet, some shooting pains in fingers.

• Appetite: good and under control. 

• Sleep: I fell asleep last night suddenly and slept through until about an hour before the alarm. Today, since about noon, I've been struggling to stay awake; treatment for my last patient today was a challenge and I fell asleep during my own PT session after work. 

• Anxiety: having a lot of back-and-forth regarding the mastectomy vs. radiation question; I really thought I'd made up my mind.