Alternate Wednesday

I love these alternate Wednesdays, like today, a non-infusion day. It's far enough away from the treatment that I'm feeling pretty good, and that the next one is still a week away with a potential for a lovely weekend in between. After this next time, the chemistry will change and there will be no in between weeks for 3 months. That will be a new adventure. I'll embark on it when I get there.

I went to renew my auto tags after work today, the last day of the month in which it was due. The line for the emissions test was not long, surprisingly, but the line at the county clerks' office was brutal and the ceiling there is a skylight which amplified the already intense sun shining down on my head. I had to ask the folks behind me to honor my place and allow me to go stand in the shade as I was wilting.

I came home to find the screen porch project nearly done; we finally, after 12 years in this house, decided to screen in the back patio. I'm so excited. Xena even used the doggie door, which we installed to allow her to enter and exit the screen room on her own, tonight without prompting. I'm proud like a mama, as she is so slow to try new things. She took 2 years to decide to use the one in the house.

Feeling great today after a lovely massage this afternoon-oh how I needed that-only a vague headache right now. It's about time to go to bed anyway.

Monday again

It was a really hard day at work. Not just for me, for the entire PT staff and the front desk. I'm not sure why...maybe because one of us is out sick, or because of some kind of energetic thing in the air, the storms brewing that slammed into the afternoon, something. One patient after another came in to tell me about the major challenges they are facing in their lives: a breast cancer survivor whose husband has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer while her father is in the hospital for treatment for an acute infection and had become incoherent; a handsome young man in his prime who has survived a head on motorcycle crash and is relearning to walk while dealing with hardware holding his leg and back together; a woman in her 50s who has been suffering chronic pain since the birth of her daughter 21 years ago; another woman in her 40s who is recuperating from brain cancer and dealing with the ravages of treatment - as perspective on my own quality of life, I'm grateful for the stories I heard today. It makes for a very hard day, but I leave the office feeling grateful for my good health.

I know it sounds odd for me to say that, but I really do feel that way. So far anyway, I feel healthy. It was a rough weekend, but there have been years in the past where just the intense heat that we experienced this past week would knock me out. That would have been excuse enough for me to take the weekend off and lay in the cool bedroom watching TV. And it is a luxury to give in to extensive rest and hours of sleep; chemo gives me total permission for that. So comparatively I am well and this is a blip on my life experience. Every good day is a good day. Today was another good one, even if it was hard.

Okay, so I didn't feel so well this morning. It was brutally hot on my way in to work, and the air was not working in our office nor the treatment rooms early today. I was wondering if I was going to make it through the day during the morning, feeling vaguely nauseous, but by midday the air cooled and my energy improved. The queasiness that I feel so much of the time lately backed off and lunch revived me. Getting adequate nutrition and frequent enough food input if a chore these days, and some things are beginning to not taste as good...green tea for example, and spices have lost some of their potency. But a healthy meal feels good in the belly no matter what it tastes like. And once the icky post-chemo feeling diminishes, I begin to force feed myself the numerous capsules and pills that provide the supplementation I am prescribed by my doctor and that I desire based on my research and on the way I notice I feel after taking them. They make me feel better. And I feel pretty good.

Swimming back up out of the miasma

This treatment was a doozy. I have been more subdued by this than either of the others. The nurses had warned me that sometimes the 3rd is the charm, and it seems that this is true in my case. Not only have I been tired, but I've been sore all over. Tender to the touch in the neck, shoulders, chest, breasts, back, base of my skull, jaw...my legs and feet are okay, at least.

I did back out of the staff retreat yesterday; they went to Carnton Mansion, a wonderful historic site of the Civil War, where I have spent some amazing times, but I'm not up to the heat and the bugs at the moment. Hated to miss it, but needed the rest. And the continued rest into today. I did get out a bit this morning, I met Grace and Billy and went Farmers' Market hopping, and spent a couple of hours seeking shade and enjoying a lemonade sweetened with agave...delicious....but I crashed and had to head home. Spent the afternoon in bed, zoning in and out of consciousness and watching NCIS in the background. Aside from feeling so weak, it's pleasant to just chill out like this.

Once Dave got home, I took a nice hot soak in the tub, after giving myself a massage, and felt much less achy afterward. So we went out to dinner at one of our favorite spots-a little Persian restaurant in the neighborhood. As soon as we got there, a storm hit. Power flickered and went out for a bit, but came back on and we were able to eat our meal by electric lights. Got soaked running out to the car, but who cares-it's warm. On the way home, we passed limbs in the street, dodged traffic at intersections where the lights were out and narrowly missed driving into a half-downed power line in our street. Wouldn't that have been ironic? Death by accidental electrocution while on chemo? I made my first-ever 911 call to inform the powers that be. Hope nobody ran into it before the fire department got out here to fix it.

The day after the day before

This was written on Thursday, 6/24.

This time it got me right away. I passed out very early after coming home from the infusion last night, and don't expect to be up very long tonight. I'm queasy as I've been after the previous treatments, but not actively nauseous, just so tired. I'm SO glad I shortened my work schedule for Thursdays and Fridays. Tomorrow is a staff retreat event, so I have only 2 patients in the morning before the retreat, and if I feel too funky I'll back out of that, and just come home.

The blessings of baldness

This was written Tuesday evening. 

This morning I went downstairs to let the dog out and a bug buzzed my head. I thought it was a moth that had come in during the night after flirting with the porch light when the door opened. I brushed at my head, brushed the bug away and noticed that it ascended on a thread, not wings. Whew...if I still had my mop of hair, it would have surely been tangled up in my curls and emerged later in the day to scare me, perhaps in the middle of treating a patient. Or I would have ended up with a spider bite...just what I need (not). I still think that the tick bite I suffered a year ago led to my immune system being weak enough for the tumor to get out of "in situ" status.

Manic Monday

It was a very busy day. Tomorrow will be, too. But you know, it feels good to be able to do it, to work that hard. Wig is still getting complements-I keep forgetting how different I look. Inside my own head, I feel remarkably the same, and tend to not remember that the package has changed and throws people off. I try to remember to introduce myself when I see someone I want to greet and who I think may not recognize me. But it's easy to neglect to do that, and to be set back a moment when I'm unrecognized.

Feeling well today. No headache, no nausea, no pain to speak of...just a little of my oral neuralgia, about a 3 on a scale of 10. Trying to avoid thinking about Wednesday.

I did start tracking my food yesterday. I think that may be informative. And I don't want to lose any more weight, but I don't want to gain either. It's helpful to have an idea of how many calories I'm actually consuming. The Livestrong website has an awesome food tracker-much easier to use, for me, than Weightwatchers was, although I did lose a lot with Weighwatchers online when I was trying to lose. But this one is free and quite user-friendly. I hope I can keep it up. If I would also track the supplements, I would be aware of everything passing my lips! But for now, that is too much. The day only has so many minutes in it.

Sundays go too fast

Sunday morning always looks like an open field, limitless and inviting. Sunday afternoon is always a surprise, as I become aware of the swift flight of the day. Sunday evening, back to reality. Gotta get up for work in the morning.

Not much to report today; I felt fine. Dave and I went to the Y and did a bit of cardio, then to Whole Foods for grocery shopping. Came home, made sun tea, took the car to the car wash, thinned the tomato plants, meditated, and did a lot of food prep. A long bath, a lot of trying to not think about Wednesday, and no headache. Horray.

On days when I'm feeling queasy, I just can't face taking my supplements, but today I am not. I took the handful of pills. I'll have to get up to pee at least once tonight. Lately it's been twice as I drink so much water and herbal tea late in the evening. Other than that, I'm sleeping okay. 

Happy father's day to all fathers. See you tomorrow.

Saturday June 19th

The headache was at bay for quite a while, but returned this evening shortly before dinnertime. It has been pretty persistent since showing up and was unresponsive, so far, to homeopathics and Tylenol and the rubbing all kinds of points purported to relieve headaches and other bodily distresses.  Maybe it's a chemo thing. I don't know but I sure wish it would quit. Headon-I'm going to apply it directly to my forehead...and if that doesn't help, I may call the on-call doctor and see what they have to suggest.  Yipes.

Went to the Westside Farmers Market this morning and had planned to continue to run some errands but had the dog in the car and there was no shade to park in anywhere so I took her and the produce home. Went out again later and got some wig supplies-you need special shampoo for the synthetic hair-and I went to Pier One hoping to buy a parasol to keep this blazing sun off of me, but they didn't have any. I will have to just carry an umbrella for now, and order a proper parasol off of the Internet.

I spent a good deal of this afternoon just lying on my bed in the cool bedroom, ignoring another episode of the DVDd first season of Big Love which a friend was kind enough to send as part of a gift of a mountain of TV-series DVDs. Perfect background music for lazing around. I alternately tuned in to the program and read an Ayervedic cookbook that I would like to start exploring. Every new cooking tradition that I am excited by requires several key ingredients and techniques that I'm unfamiliar with and must spend time researching. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to work and could spend all day cooking. Often though, reading the cookbooks is more enjoyable than actually preparing the food. I'm just cooking for the 2 of us most of the time, and Dave doesn't always enjoy my experiments although he's always very sweet about eating what I prepare.

Went to a small party tonight at the home of our friends Hilary and Rob; what a wonderful group of people. I am grateful to be able to be social right now; I wonder if my immune system will continue to tolerate public exposure. I hear that it should; if I can go to work, I ought to be able to go to the occasional party, and my docs will warn me if my white count gets too low. And laughter and joy are immune-boosting, and I had a lot of laughs and a lot of smiles tonight. Even whipped off the wig for a bit at Linda's request and got a nice head caress which felt great. Met a woman who is a practitioner of a number of non-western healing traditions and was very inspired and informed by meeting her. It was great to have gotten to go and spend some cool time in the outdoors that have been so inhospitable for the past few days.

Friday June 18th; hot and humid

Okay Kit, you asked for it; I have changed some of the look of this blog page and checked out Photo Booth again. I find it hard to take good shots with it, but there it is. So here are a couple of shots for you, but I'm not putting the wig back on tonight; it gave me a headache today.

I woke up with the headache, actually, probably from the pollen and mold in the air. I had it under control for most of the day, down to a dull throb in my left forehead, but late afternoon it really ramped up again. Taking the wig off helped, some homeopathic remedies helped more, and a large slice of watermelon kicked it's butt. I'm feeling better now.

Dave thinks the headache stemmed from me getting overheated today, and it's possible. It's in the mid 90s here right now, and although we have had some short, cooling storms each afternoon over the last few days, it was blazingly hot as I walked to the car after work this afternoon, and then Dave and I went out shopping for a couple of hours. Each time we got back in the car, it took a few minutes to cool down and it feels like the body banks some of that heat. I don't mind being hot, but the humidity is wilting. And whatever part of it led to the headache, I could live without that.

Mouth sores are a Chemo symptom that patients are warned about; so far, I haven't had that, just the on and off oral neuralgia - mouth and tongue pain - that I have had for a couple of years now. It's actually been somewhat better lately. But yesterday and the day before I had some bumps inside my cheeks and lips...they sort of felt like warts rather than blisters...very annoying but not painful. But today they seem to be gone. Maybe it was an allergic reaction to something I ate. I'm sure it would be wise for me to write down everything that passes my lips, but so far, I haven't been doing that. Yeah, I really ought to. I might be surprised to see how much or how little of the foods I know are best for me I'm actually consuming.

When I committed to the Chemo experience, I set my goals at a level I thought I could manage: go to work, walk my dog, write my blog. And I'm pretty much doing that, writing and dog-walking almost every day, going to work 5 days a week. And keeping a more active social life and more household activities than I expected to. So far, so good. I even got to do some massages the other night, which felt really good. I love my work. But I am definitely not as high-energy as I expect I would be were I not undergoing this chemical regime. Or maybe it's an over-50 thing. Maybe I've been under-rested for years and now that I'm giving in to the need, I'm more aware of needing it. Whatever. I had a few nights of not sleeping well (took half an Atavan the last 2 nights to help, and it did), but in general I'm getting a lot of rest. Will nap this weekend, in between gardening, cooking, housework, etc.

His and Hers head shaving

Today was just a wonderful day. The half day at work on the non-infusion day breezes by and leads to a wide open afternoon. Sharon gave me a fabulous and desperately needed massage; I felt so much better after that, I almost didn't want to go off to other activities but I had appointments to keep.

I'm glad that I did keep the appointments, too. I had reached the point of gross-out with the shedding hair and was able to get an emergency head-shaving appointment at the Rodney Mitchell salon in Hillsboro Village to have both Dave's and my heads shaved, sitting side by side, me being buzzed all the way, and Dave stopping with a crew cut at my request as I prefer to be the balder of the two at this time; it seems only proper, only fair. The stylists who work there and hosted the "Look Good Feel Better" program on Monday had mentioned that the salon offers these services on a complementary basis to cancer patients, but I didn't expect them to be able to fit us in at the last minute, nor to do Dave's hair gratis as well. It was fun, and my head feels much better now, and the wig much more comfortable.

We did this on our way to a farewell reception to show appreciation for Dr. David Johnson, my husband's oncologist and the driving force behind the oncology department at Vanderbilt for many years, who is now moving on to Dallas. It was a lovely reception and it made me proud and excited to be part of the University Medical Center. Sorry to see Dr. Johnson go, though; he is well loved for a very good reason, and so many of us from patients to faculty to his colleagues will miss him, his humor, humanity and intelligence. I'm very happy to have his contact information and invitation to call him if I need him. It's very comforting.

I've been pretty diligent about avoiding white sugar and flour, and in general keeping refined foods to a minimum since my diagnosis-that's probably the main reason I've lost the weight. Some days, though, you just gotta live a little. We took a break in the village after our hair cuts and before reception and had pastry at Provence.  Dessert before dinner. Afterward, Ted's Montana Grill for bison burgers. Did I mention I'm hungry ALL the time? I'm keeping meat to a minimum (still only eating natural/organic/grassfed offerings) along with the sweets, drinking tons of water (no vino during chemo) and taking handfuls of supplements, I've quit coffee and drink lots of green tea daily, am doing wheatgrass almost daily-heck, I've just gotta push the boat out every now and then. Both the pastry and the burger were divine.

Wiggy

When I was a kid, I loved to participate in theatrical productions; half the fun was the costumes and seeing myself look like someone else. Into my teens, performing at the Renaissance Faire, in all kinds of bands, doing the  twist with Hank Ballard and singing "When Something is Wrong with my Baby"  with Sam Moore, playing the songs from our own collection with Dave, so much of the fun was dressing up as the musical character I was playing that night. The wig makes me feel that way. I want more wigs. I'm sure the folks at the clinic will find it a bit strange to have me look a variety of ways...just showing up today in the short, straight, dark do of my current wig, had a number of folks say that they didn't recognize me.  (The same thing happened at the neighborhood block party tonight; they recognized my dog but wouldn't have known me without her.) Ah the confusion I can cause! Who will I  be today?

So the wig is fun, but uncomfortable. Not because it's hot-that didn't really bother me; my own hair was always hot-but the elastic band that holds it on digs into my scalp. I shouldn't be surprised-every pair of glasses I've ever owned has irritated the side of my head where they rest behind my ears. I've got to do some research and see if there is some way to work around this. Maybe when the rest of my hair comes out it will be less irritating; now the short hairs are tugged on by the elastic.

Another fairly high energy day today. Maybe not as high as yesterday, but good. Tomorrow I get a massage. Ah....

Look Good, Feel Better

I took time out of the middle of the day today to go the American Cancer Society's "Look Good, Feel Better" program.  My day at the office was off to an awkward start anyway, and I was glad to take a break. All I'd been told was that the event would take place at the Sarah Cannon Cancer Center at Centennial Hospital. It was amazing how difficult it was to find the particular location within that huge medical megapolis. I did eventually find the group and was given a very generous package of makeup and a lot of great tips on how to fix myself up to overcome the pallor and lack of eyebrows and lashes that will result from chemo. So far, I've still got my facial hair, but along with my mane, it's dwindling.

Once again today, I got a lot of positive input on the way I look with my crew cut. I had fun trying on a couple of wigs too; all with straight or straight-ish locks. It's so interesting to see my face framed by straight hair. I've never been much of a make-up user, but I did like the result today. I'll be making good use of the kit I received.

I have been mainly un-queasy for the last couple of days and didn't even feel the need for any of the Zofran today. I did miss my afternoon snack because it was just too darn busy at the office, and I considered a pill during that time, but a ginger candy took care of things. An afternoon rainshower cooled the air and I ran home to walk the dog. A lovely day.

I feel really good right now; I wonder if it is the attention I'm paying to nutrition, or the amount of rest I'm getting, the meditation, the healing walk, the lowered expectations...I don't know what to attribute this to. I of course would prefer to be feeling this well without the chemo/cancer kicking experience, but here I am and I feel great. I'll take every good day with relish. Today is one of the good ones. 

GI Jane

My latest "do" is a very military-style cut; I feel like Demi Moore in that movie GI Jane where she sports a crew cut. I know I flatter myself to compare to Ms. Moore, but I feel pretty good about how I look with a crew cut, and that is a surprise. I didn't expect to like the previous short cut, but I did, and got lots of complements. I'm pleased to discover my face in a way I would never have without the imposition of change that chemo has presented; I prefer to have hair to play with, but it's a relief to learn that I can feel good about my looks without it. I had always assumed that my face is too big, too round, for me to be one of those women who can carry off the bald look with aplomb, but I should not be so surprised: my sister looked just fabulous when she chose to sport her baldness in public. I am still finding the experience interesting.

It was kind of Jocylene to fit me in this morning. It was sort-of "emergency haircut" time, as I was shedding badly. It's much less upsetting to be shedding quarter inch hair than 1 and half inch strands. And it was comforting to sit with Jocylene and her friend in the sunny salon she has set up in her home basement as she cut with scissors rather than shaved my hair short. That kind of personal touch takes the edge off of this experience; it's not traumatic, but it is odd; my friends make it much easier. 

Felt pretty good today; had a busy morning with my haircut and some shopping and a visit to the Y. I will have to continue to plan my daily half hour of cardio pump for indoors as the weather is just too darn hot to spend it outside right now. Poor Xena is missing her daily walkies, but she had an impromptu puppy play date today as Dexter the neighbor dog escaped his yard and came for a visit. There ought to be a dog-friendly mall where folks can walk their dogs, but I don't know of any. 

Day 4 again

Well, it's true again this time-day 4 is the doozy. Of course, I haven't gotten to day 5 yet. I don't feel terrible today, just beat, like I've got the flu or something. Tired and achy, and in and out of sleep with occasional bursts of energy and appetite. Too hot to walk the dog feeling this way, so I've given in to a total day of rest, once past the commitment to sing a couple of songs this morning at a dedication ceremony for a tree our clinic had planted in Centennial park last fall. Billy played with me and although to say that the event was lightly attended is being generous, it was a treat to get to play with him, as always. Since I returned home from that morning adventure, however, I have been laying low.

There are sensations that let you know your hair is about to come out, I've been told, and I'm having them now. I'm also coming away with a crop of hairs whenever I rub or scratch my head. The strands seem to have become more wiry than usual as they lose their hold on my scalp. My head feels like it sometimes would if I had my hair up in a ponytail for too long, like all the follicles were being pulled in the wrong direction. There is a sort of electrical buzzy feeling, and a sense that my scalp has been pulled tight. These are the sensations that I had been warned about and feeling them now makes me hope I can get someone to buzz it all off tomorrow. I've got my wig at the ready; it's time.

I've heard people compare the chemo experience to pregnancy. Since I never carried a child to term, I can't really speak to that from experience, but from what I've heard about pregnancy, it sounds similar. I've been having odd food cravings: mayonnaise, greens, avocados, watermelon....nothing too strange, and nothing I really shouldn't have, but the mayo is surprising. I'm eating a lot, and I wonder if the anti-nausea drugs work partially by increasing appetite. I've lost about 14 pounds since my diagnosis, but that will not last if this appetite keeps up. I'm not concerned about it; all I care about right now is getting good nutrition, rest, exercise, and hydration. Weight loss is my last concern at the moment. I like my body and am fine with my size.

Day After Infusion #2

This was actually written yesterday, Thursday the 10th, but published today, Friday the 11th. 

I felt pretty good today; I'm not trying to fight the anti-nausea drugs anymore. I took a Phenergan to sleep last night, and a Zofran this morning along with my Emmend and Dexamethazone. I took another Zofran at about 4 pm, and I still need to take another Dex tonight along with an Acyclovere.

It's difficult to keep track of these drugs; I've never been much of a med user, and usually then it was one, just one medication...easier to keep track of. Now it's several. Really hard to keep track.

The dominant symptom I'm experiencing tonight is just exhaustion. I don't think I'm going to be up a whole lot longer. I was fine at work today, and hopefully will be so again tomorrow, but I'm having a hard time sitting here writing this.

I went to the American Cancer Society's Wig Bank today and picked out a pixie-cut straight haired wig-a fun do that I never had but would have killed for in my youth. They kindly give a patient a wig, and they gave me a stand for it, and a lavender turban. I have already send the part of my own hair that was cut off to a manufacturer who will make me an "Under Hair"-a piece that must be worn with a hat or scarf, but is made of my own hair.

Infusion #2

Lots of meditation preceeded the day's event, and I was pretty calm. But not totally; I came pretty close to fainting this morning after having my "port accessed" and having blood drawn. Not sure what caused me to need to be laid back in my chair with a cold wash cloth on my head before I could stand up securely and go along my way. The nurse thought it was an anxiety based Vagal nerve response; the doctor said that a lot of folks with the port find that a blood draw from that area of the body, the vena cava, just leaves them feeling that way for a bit; the blood comes out fast. I will try to have them lay me back in advance next time.

I was happy that I recovered quickly enough to go on ahead and go to work. It helped to distract me, and let me be ready to focus on myself later. Dave met me at my clinic at 12:30 and we walked across the street to the cancer center.  I had already delivered my 24 hour urine collection from the previous day (part of a research project in which I'm participating), and I had a 15 minute blood pressure test, which involves blood pressure checks of the tips of my index finger and a 5 minute squeeze to the arm (part of the same research project) before the chemo began.

The Adriamycin gives me the willies; it is not delivered via drip but must be pushed. It needs to go in very small amounts at a time, diluted by saline, and monitored by the nurse doing the administration. It has the potential to scar vascular tissue, which is why it is important for to be dilute, and why a little knowlege is a dangerous thing;  it is that knowledge that makes me so nervous when it goes in. I gave in to Atavan today. It helped. Now, though, I'm struggling to stay awake. I think I'll have to add details tomorrow.

Great weekend

I am behind in my blogging because I have just been so darned busy! It's a good thing. I have been feeling just fine, and was able to enjoy a lot of social time and errand running this weekend, lots of cooking too, and just didn't get around to this. Today too kind of got away from me. So I will be brief tonight as it's about time to go to bed. Getting close to my next infusion time, and I have to do a 24 hour urine collection tomorrow. That should be great fun at work.

No meds this weekend, just the twice daily Acyclovir, but none for nausea or pain. My port incision still is a bit irritated, and the port itself is a bit uncomfortable, but not to the point of needing pain killers. A  homeopathic remedy seems to help, so that's what I used. I respond well to homeopathy. I did have a headache this morning, felt like it was sinuses causing it, and I took some herbal anti-inflammatories which took care of it. Had a really long work day and still felt fine; I'm doing better lately at keeping up with the paperwork.

The wheatgrass is ready. I'll juice some in the morning after doing the "healing walk". Started the 2nd tray today.

Friday

Oh yeah, no back pain today! Well, maybe a little, but not to speak of really. And blissful regularity. I'm enjoying every moment of this in-between time; next infusion, next Wednesday. Tomorrow, I play.

I have a lovely, busy Saturday planned. Farmer's market, errands galore, lunch with Trish; it will be grand. Then dinner with Dave and Grace and Billy-maybe I'll even have time to do some work in the garden. A productive weekend; next weekend, no plans. Well, none except for the fact that I'm supposed to sing at the Dayani Center's "First Annual Tree Planting Ceremony", and I am very hopeful that I will be able to pull it off. After that, no other plans.

The wheatgrass is ready and I uncovered it today; it is gaining in greenness and shooting up-it's exciting.

I had a funny moment the other morning-I got on my digital scale and must have hit some kind of calibration button or something. It read a good 10 lbs less than when I'd last stepped on it about a week earlier. I freaked-the first time in memory when I had responded negatively to a significant weight loss. I have lost quite a bit of weight since diagnosis, but it has been coming off slowly and steadily due to dietary changes. If I had suddenly lost another 10-that would be bad. But I stepped back on the scale, and it came up about 7.5 lbs. Two and a half pounds,  one week, that's okay. Sigh of relief.

The only treatment related discomfort that I am having at the moment is this infusion port. It sits on my chest just to the edge of my bra strap, and it is the shoulder where I tend to hang my purse. I'm trying to stop that; the area of the incision from the installation of the port and the skin over the port itself are irritated and still not quite healed. It is quite uncomfortable. I'm starting to think I may need to let the doctor know, but I am hopeful that it will make progress this weekend.

This may be TMI

It's gratifying and terrifying all at the same time to know that friends and family are reading this; I swore to myself that it was going to just be whatever is going on, so that I can also use it as a reference for my symptoms when I report to the doctor, and today I must discuss constipation. So if you just don't want to know, skip this entry. I may regret this in the future....

This morning at work, I started having some very formidable low back pain-consistent, shooting, sharp, sometimes breathtaking. I slapped on a spare TENS unit and tried to ignore and work through it, but eventually noticed that it increased when seated and improved when standing. I did a lot of standing manual therapy today-not my usual.

Finally, I started to assume that this was pain from Neulasta, a medication given the day after Chemo infusion to boost white blood cell count and thereby, immunity. Makes sense, and I'm glad to get the shot, but they say a side effect can be profound bone pain. My sister Janet reports that she had it during her treatment and that it was agonizing. So for a while, I just figured, well, I guess this is that. But bone pain wouldn't be improved with standing, stretching, walking....and be intensified when trying to eliminate. I finally said to myself "this is a pinched nerve". And I remembered that I have been pretty constipated over the last few days; surprising considering the amount of fruits and veggies I'm consuming along with whole grains, flax seed and the like, but these drugs have the rep for causing this. I started using a senna laxative the other day but it hadn't fully kicked in.

After work, I went to see the chiropractor/acupuncturist and he fixed me up. I felt much better leaving his office, but still had some hints of the pain. Then things started moving. And they have continued moving. The pain, now at 9:30 this evening, is practically gone. Just goes to show how the body really wants every little thing to be working in harmony to feel at peace. I am much more peaceful now.

Another helpful moment of the day was learning the Tai Chi "healing walk" Qi Gong practice from our instructor Rusty after work today; I have practiced it a bit this afternoon and will begin doing it in the morning, and will do it as often as I'm able as it feels just great. I wanted some Tai Chi back in my life, and this exercise will give me a start back in that direction.  Trish, who is a friend, survivor and inspiration to me told me about this, and I'm thrilled to begin. Trying to fully learn the lessons of this diagnosis; fully intending to never have this diagnosis again.

I refer to this "diagnosis" because my theory is that I am cancer free right now; the tumor was excised with wide clean margins, and only 2 of the 6 or 7 lymph nodes removed showed small amounts of cancerous cells. I believe my lymphatics  did their job and that the point of the treatment now is to scout out any stray cancer cells that may be lurking somewhere in the system and take them down. I see myself as a survivor already. And having a pretty nice life in between treatments, too! But I'll use all means to maintain that healthy, survivor status, and that includes meditation, massage, acupuncture, laughter, love, nutrition and a healing walk. And basking in the good vibrations I feel coming my way everyday.

Wednesday

It was another good day. I woke feeling fine, wishing I could stay asleep just a bit longer, but my bladder and Dave's gentle snores dictated that it was time to rise a bit before the alarm went off. Work went well; my coworkers are so supportive,  and complementary about the haircut, too. I used to get frustrated and say "I'm just going to chop it off" and Gordon would tell me that I'd have to find someone else to do it; Dave would say "No you're not; you'd regret it", and so I never did. But I had a weird kind of premonition the last time that I considered it, looking in the mirror, fancying that it would be fun to explore a shorter do, then thinking that I had better enjoy the long tresses while I had them. In several ways, I had premonitions that this experience was coming. So far, not so bad. I'd miss it, though, given the choice.

I came out of the clinic today into a rain shower; grabbed my umbrella, but was soaked half way to the car. The air was warm so being wet was no problem, except for the little comfy slip on shoes I was wearing, which became so slippery I was forced to choose between the potential of falling or walking barefoot across the medical center campus. Chemo makes one leery of potential sources of infection, so although I'm usually happy to be barefoot, this was a big decision for me considering the current situation; I went barefoot to the car, then cleaned my feet with paper towels and hand sanitiser. Then washed them when I got home. Next time I go back for the umbrella upon leaving work, I also take the running shoes that I keep under my desk.

The first batch of wheat grass is sprouting and should be ready for uncovering and greening in a couple of days. That's exciting. In the meantime, I sure am glad to have my Vitamix, helping me enjoy daily green smoothies. Funny the food cravings I've been having; burgers (have to be grass fed), cabbage soup, grapefruit.  Wheatgrass juice, when I get a shot at Whole Foods, feels like rocket fuel. Can't wait to juice my own.

Tuesday June 1; back to the office

I walked in today expecting a full schedule of 8 patients and was concerned about how I was going to get through that, not yet trusting my level of energy. In reality, every day of life is that way-one never knows when we might just hit a wall. But I had a couple of cancellations, and took a long walk and a leisurely lunch, and managed to do pretty well with work except for a mid-afternoon attack of heartburn. Time to bring a bucket of Tums to the office! Thank goodness Jane already had some there.

Carey seems to be making it her personal mission to ensure that I get my exercise, and I'm grateful for the cheer-leading on that. It's so easy to get distracted by minor details while in the office and to miss available moments to get out and get some sunshine or work up a sweat, or just experience a change of environment. I get lost in the computer or in trying to reorganize the mess on my desk and often miss stress-reduction opportunities. But Carey helped my avoid that again today and we took a walk around the old Peabody campus-a lovely walk, lots of folks take advantage of it-and today I was able to maintain a normal pace, although my empty stomach limited the amount of time I was able to spend; I'm finding that when I'm hungry, it's critical to eat right away to stave off nausea and maximize energy.  I've got a pantry of snacks at my desk, but I think the dry crackers I tried this afternoon might have led to the heartburn. Gotta be careful about what I pick. 

I arrived home to my dog Xena panting at the door expecting her walk, and once I'd gotten some food in me, I obliged. It feels good to be getting this much exercise, still, I'm missing my yoga practice. My port, which I am very grateful to have, still pulls at me a bit and is irritated by my bra strap running right alongside it, and it's not 2 weeks since the surgery to put it in, so I'm still not cleared to put weight into my arms anyway. And I'm not sure how much of my head going up and down I'm going to be good with, so I will be careful when starting back to morning sun salutations. I want to start doing some Tai Chi again, though; I think that will be very healing.

I'm trying to decide if I feel energetic enough to do a few massages. I miss it,  miss my clients, and the stretching out that my own body gets from doing the work. But I don't want to over-extend my energy. Guess I'll have to continue to play it by ear.